young priviledge?

imho ... I am having a real problem with looking at "privilege".  I look at things from a broader view.  Did I want to transition years ago?  definitely ... when I worked for a major IT company with great benefits (~2001), yes, when I first came out to Dr (~10yrs ago), yes ... even much earlier?  oh yes.  But I transitioned (-ing) when I am ... perhaps there was sh*t or learning I needed since then?  "family privilege" was not an option, being on my own since I was 15-ish, but was exploring this even way back then.

I see the crap happening in CA with religious rights, the problems in schools ... I am not sure if I would have been strong enough to survive if I did while a teen (if I was a teen today).  I know there was little chance of surviving if I was transitioning in my youth ... really bad environments, no supports, etc.

We all come from different places, has someone said we all on different chapters and are on different pages - most importantly not even in same books.  Basically we all have a form of "privilege" if we look for it ... there is always a benefit among all the negative (even if "benefit" comes after transition, not every day).  We all come from different types of complications and negatives (sorry proper words are escaping me, mind falling asleep).

I just finished reading a blog from an educated (and seemingly financially stable) young woman that felt that all "white" transwomen should not share the "trans" title do to our extreme privileges.  So perhaps a bit cranky, every paragraph or so was why I was soo evil and ruining her life because of how good off I am (which really p*ssed me off because she seems to have no clue what it is like to be physically disabled and broke and trying to transition)

/rant_off ....

After a few rough months ...

Part of my learning experience ... Growing Pains

I have a huge but strange favour ...

I need your help and patience.  I need to migrate from using "Sonya" to Jacquelyn.

It is incredibly hard to explain, and doesn't really make sense on a strictly rational level.  Recently, I have been dealing with many identity issues, dealing with splitting off and seperating from the "negative voices" of the past.  Sadly enough, recently A few times I have heard my name and connecting it to "his."

For the longest time I never thought much about names.  I was very emotionally disconnected.  Names, especially mind, never really meant anything to me - apathy, dissaciation with "labels" given me by people who are long in my past and have no bearing on who I am, even really who I was for the past 20 years ... other than haunting me.  This is a chance to step away from past shadows, to finally accept who I am, to finally start my life.

Not sure if it is hormones talking or the realization who I am and that my life is finally starting.

I am not trying to be difficult to confuse ... I know that many found the whole transition idea difficult.

Sorry about rambling ... this has been a while trying to figure out how to say this ... it feels strange, it doesn't make sense to me ... but it is part of growing, part of figuring out who I really am.

All part of my learning experience.

5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

Reviewing my game plan ... one year later

Something I wrote my birthday, last year (2012) ... took time to review it on Oct. 14th - one year later. 

---------------------------------------------------

It was a lot easier as Sean .. I knew who I was (roles, not really me) and what was expected.  Right now, often, I feel lost.  I know where I want to be, but as each day passes, it seems further away.  Sometimes, more than I should, I toss myself into something (a stupid game, web browsing, reading other people's lives and such) just to hide away from dealing, and that night I feel, rightly so, there's another day wasted.

I have to put foot down, with self mainly, and say THIS IS THE PRIORITY!

I have a tonne of nail polish, yet my nails are "nude."

I have to go through my wardrobe and figure out what fits, what works and what I need.

I need to practice make up so I don't look like a clown

Reduce current meds, clear head - ability to focus.

I have to capture moments like this, so I have my thoughts captured.  I do this blogging,  vlog, essays, photo documentation ... and now that I figured out how - audio dictation.

I have to get my ass off Facebook and use my guides and tools instead of catching up on Arrow or Storage Wars.

I have to put the games away and use them as rewards rather than something to do all day.

I have to eat and take pills, instead of a 90 minute breakfast over 2 CSIs.

I have to get my fat ass to the gym and do something about it ... I am paying for it to use more than 1 to 2 times a month!

I have to stay ahead of appointments and such ...  not scramble at last minute.

I have to plan my days ... having a 1 hour appointment in 24 hours leaves 14 hours to do other stuffs.

When I can't figure something out, I find someone and ask, rather than follow link after link and be topics that have nothing to do with problem at hand.

GET RID OF ALL THE TRASH ON MY DESK - IF YOU CAN'T FIND SOMETHING YOU JUST SET DOWN, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Catch up and stay current on house work.

I have to look at this when I wake up and not sure what to do in morning while breakfast.

ADD TO THIS AS NECESSARY.

Essentially, seize the day, every day, all day ... do this, not for Sean, do it for Sonya.

-----------------------

*Of course I wrote this just before I messed up my arm so guess I will have to readjust to match current situation

Changes in Personality ....?

Does HRT change your personality?  Can our blockers and core hormones change who we are as a being?

I see videos telling us that we will be the same person.  Hormones can not make us a different person!

Or can they?

Of course transmen or genderfluid using male hormones will get (as far as I know), bursts of assertiveness, that "little something" that was similar to steroids in those young teen boys which "way too much testosterone".  In transwomen, you take that away or reduce it and we go from "raging bull" to beatnick ... ok I jest, but we loose some of our agressive nature.

Could anything else be happening?

This is not a side effect of HRT, but an advantage of taking that leap.  This leap does not have to be staring 'mones, it could be pressing your previous limitations (I am thing of our CD girls, ones that many not be interested in transitioning fully - but do bloom when possible).  I had to start making major changes, many of were or are like that.

But needing was not enough, you had to seek out help, psychologists, endocrinologists, and many others.  There was step between those, although not consciously ...

We had to give ourselves permission.   This ultimate act of self love. 

<trigger alert>

In my case, I gave myself one year.  Not one year to transition,  that is not truly possible, especially when you are ancient like me.

No one year to show real changes from where I was.  I hot a real low spot, and stopped fighting.  Actually I started fighting ... fighting to give Sonya a chance to live.

But this one event, this act of kindness to someone trying to be born ... giving her permission started a chain event.

She took this permission and started making "his" live, hers ... mine.

She cleaned house ...

- no more wearing black AMD t-shirts all the time
- change your diet (you slob), this is my body now
- get a NEW music collection ... living on 80s rock and some 90s metal not acceptable
- get off the chair, watching television
- exercise, socialize, get involved
- get a decent pair of jeans and show off this ass
-above all, wear a f*cking helmet, things are going to get interesting!

My gf is noticing changes.  She is kinda weirded out at the unique sounds coming out of my speakers (actually, even the cats are freaking out *giggles).  My room is a mess, bras air-drying, the clothes a a small rainbow of colous (and growing when I can).

I have been vegan since late May (ok 98% vegan, I was naughty and made a large pasta & tuna salad during our heatwave -did not want to cook in that).  Even my first tounge is coming back (French was my main language til grade 5) after decades of non-usage.

Above all .....

I am finally realizing how to feel happy!

I can see a bright future ahead ... and am more than ready.

It's amazing what giving and recieving permission can do ... 

Oh, my one year was October 14, 2012 (my 42nd birthday) ... I think I already have exceeded any hope, dream or expectation ....and you know what hunties ... I ain't done yet!

Here's your life ....

I never realized that hrt aand transitioning can give you a different insite.  Recently I have been meditating,  a form of pain contol, but also to centre myself  after a frustrating event or few hours.  Often, during this relaxed state, I get flooded with images, sequences, events and sometimes mere moments in time.   I can see my past  with different eyes, since I am the observer watching the film unfold.  Sometimes - if lucky - I can see a different ending to this moment, something else I could have done, a different action ...and I get breif glimpses of what might have been.

I know it is much too late to change things, and most I would leave alone.   I am a stong believer in history repeating itself, and I can definitely see some patterns.

Now, if I can just remember what to change, what not to, and to brace myself for the consequences,  I will finally make some real emotional progress.