Part of my learning experience ... Growing Pains

I have a huge but strange favour ...

I need your help and patience.  I need to migrate from using "Sonya" to Jacquelyn.

It is incredibly hard to explain, and doesn't really make sense on a strictly rational level.  Recently, I have been dealing with many identity issues, dealing with splitting off and seperating from the "negative voices" of the past.  Sadly enough, recently A few times I have heard my name and connecting it to "his."

For the longest time I never thought much about names.  I was very emotionally disconnected.  Names, especially mind, never really meant anything to me - apathy, dissaciation with "labels" given me by people who are long in my past and have no bearing on who I am, even really who I was for the past 20 years ... other than haunting me.  This is a chance to step away from past shadows, to finally accept who I am, to finally start my life.

Not sure if it is hormones talking or the realization who I am and that my life is finally starting.

I am not trying to be difficult to confuse ... I know that many found the whole transition idea difficult.

Sorry about rambling ... this has been a while trying to figure out how to say this ... it feels strange, it doesn't make sense to me ... but it is part of growing, part of figuring out who I really am.

All part of my learning experience.

5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

Reviewing my game plan ... one year later

Something I wrote my birthday, last year (2012) ... took time to review it on Oct. 14th - one year later. 

---------------------------------------------------

It was a lot easier as Sean .. I knew who I was (roles, not really me) and what was expected.  Right now, often, I feel lost.  I know where I want to be, but as each day passes, it seems further away.  Sometimes, more than I should, I toss myself into something (a stupid game, web browsing, reading other people's lives and such) just to hide away from dealing, and that night I feel, rightly so, there's another day wasted.

I have to put foot down, with self mainly, and say THIS IS THE PRIORITY!

I have a tonne of nail polish, yet my nails are "nude."

I have to go through my wardrobe and figure out what fits, what works and what I need.

I need to practice make up so I don't look like a clown

Reduce current meds, clear head - ability to focus.

I have to capture moments like this, so I have my thoughts captured.  I do this blogging,  vlog, essays, photo documentation ... and now that I figured out how - audio dictation.

I have to get my ass off Facebook and use my guides and tools instead of catching up on Arrow or Storage Wars.

I have to put the games away and use them as rewards rather than something to do all day.

I have to eat and take pills, instead of a 90 minute breakfast over 2 CSIs.

I have to get my fat ass to the gym and do something about it ... I am paying for it to use more than 1 to 2 times a month!

I have to stay ahead of appointments and such ...  not scramble at last minute.

I have to plan my days ... having a 1 hour appointment in 24 hours leaves 14 hours to do other stuffs.

When I can't figure something out, I find someone and ask, rather than follow link after link and be topics that have nothing to do with problem at hand.

GET RID OF ALL THE TRASH ON MY DESK - IF YOU CAN'T FIND SOMETHING YOU JUST SET DOWN, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Catch up and stay current on house work.

I have to look at this when I wake up and not sure what to do in morning while breakfast.

ADD TO THIS AS NECESSARY.

Essentially, seize the day, every day, all day ... do this, not for Sean, do it for Sonya.

-----------------------

*Of course I wrote this just before I messed up my arm so guess I will have to readjust to match current situation

Changes in Personality ....?

Does HRT change your personality?  Can our blockers and core hormones change who we are as a being?

I see videos telling us that we will be the same person.  Hormones can not make us a different person!

Or can they?

Of course transmen or genderfluid using male hormones will get (as far as I know), bursts of assertiveness, that "little something" that was similar to steroids in those young teen boys which "way too much testosterone".  In transwomen, you take that away or reduce it and we go from "raging bull" to beatnick ... ok I jest, but we loose some of our agressive nature.

Could anything else be happening?

This is not a side effect of HRT, but an advantage of taking that leap.  This leap does not have to be staring 'mones, it could be pressing your previous limitations (I am thing of our CD girls, ones that many not be interested in transitioning fully - but do bloom when possible).  I had to start making major changes, many of were or are like that.

But needing was not enough, you had to seek out help, psychologists, endocrinologists, and many others.  There was step between those, although not consciously ...

We had to give ourselves permission.   This ultimate act of self love. 

<trigger alert>

In my case, I gave myself one year.  Not one year to transition,  that is not truly possible, especially when you are ancient like me.

No one year to show real changes from where I was.  I hot a real low spot, and stopped fighting.  Actually I started fighting ... fighting to give Sonya a chance to live.

But this one event, this act of kindness to someone trying to be born ... giving her permission started a chain event.

She took this permission and started making "his" live, hers ... mine.

She cleaned house ...

- no more wearing black AMD t-shirts all the time
- change your diet (you slob), this is my body now
- get a NEW music collection ... living on 80s rock and some 90s metal not acceptable
- get off the chair, watching television
- exercise, socialize, get involved
- get a decent pair of jeans and show off this ass
-above all, wear a f*cking helmet, things are going to get interesting!

My gf is noticing changes.  She is kinda weirded out at the unique sounds coming out of my speakers (actually, even the cats are freaking out *giggles).  My room is a mess, bras air-drying, the clothes a a small rainbow of colous (and growing when I can).

I have been vegan since late May (ok 98% vegan, I was naughty and made a large pasta & tuna salad during our heatwave -did not want to cook in that).  Even my first tounge is coming back (French was my main language til grade 5) after decades of non-usage.

Above all .....

I am finally realizing how to feel happy!

I can see a bright future ahead ... and am more than ready.

It's amazing what giving and recieving permission can do ... 

Oh, my one year was October 14, 2012 (my 42nd birthday) ... I think I already have exceeded any hope, dream or expectation ....and you know what hunties ... I ain't done yet!

Here's your life ....

I never realized that hrt aand transitioning can give you a different insite.  Recently I have been meditating,  a form of pain contol, but also to centre myself  after a frustrating event or few hours.  Often, during this relaxed state, I get flooded with images, sequences, events and sometimes mere moments in time.   I can see my past  with different eyes, since I am the observer watching the film unfold.  Sometimes - if lucky - I can see a different ending to this moment, something else I could have done, a different action ...and I get breif glimpses of what might have been.

I know it is much too late to change things, and most I would leave alone.   I am a stong believer in history repeating itself, and I can definitely see some patterns.

Now, if I can just remember what to change, what not to, and to brace myself for the consequences,  I will finally make some real emotional progress.

Defending myself ...

I hate doing this, but it sounds like I have to defend myself from within the community ....

I am legally disabled.  I walk with a cane - or if really bad a walker.  My pain is controoled by morphine ... controlled is a bad word for it ... kept in check is more accurate has I live daily with a lot of pain. 

A fellow local transwoman saw me celebrating during the local Pride festivities - proudly marching in the parade (my first marching) and enjoying the after party at a local night club (first time out dancing in about 10 years).  I was celebrating the most emotional 2 weeks of my life .... official GID diagnosis from regional clinic and starting HRT from another clinic.   After years of denials, doubt and hatred, I had a door blow wide open ... I had a reason to party!

Prior to this, I have been putting my body through hell - everything to regain control of my life.  That meant  (among a LOT of things) getting in somewhat shape, loosing weight and loosing the walker (it was actually causing more damage).  It also meant being hyper aware of body mechanics ... any wrong motion would set me back ... (emotionally perhaps for good, physically, I don't want to know).  No matter what , I was going to make sure I push forward - no real setbacks.  ;)

Ok back to story ... oklooong before this story - I used to "be someone".  I worked witn Microsoft, Intel, for IBM,  Packard Bell and others.  For the longest while, I was on headhunters' list.  This helped me move all over U.S. and choose mh jobs.  When I started with IBM,  I was reaching o2jt for help transitioning, unfortunately, the social climate did not make this possible.  I was making decent money, had savings, but startinf could put me in a bad situation,  contract-wise. 

I know I should have fought for it then (2000-2003).

My goal was to transition, after leaving.  Find a way I can do it without being controlled by policies or worse - politics.

After my contract was up, I started my own company - long story real short: doing well, new location, doing better, hired independent contractors (my space, the work and bill through me), expanded from store to cafe, doing good (dumping allmonies back into company), absorbed another smaller company, ..... could not get out of chair -back damaged, diagnosis at clinic 7 hours away, at clinic for 5 days, went back to store.... empty (stock computers and bank account).  This was 2003

Ok longer than I thought, sorry.

Ok back problems - I could have held on to company,  just nothing physical.   Back problems worsened.  The injury h2aopened 1 year after leaving IBM, the store was barely 9 months old.  Unemployment ran out, no possibility in near future.  Not able to hold onto job because of pain and missed work, I was "awarded" a disability allowance (about 1000 $ monthly). 

Add depression because of situation, and a lot more stuff just adding to stresses.  Fast forward a bit, meds are way too high, I am basically a zombie, eating, watching tv and sleeping.  Anything to distract from pain.  Realized that the situation was going to kill me (above), I stared making changes - big ones.

Still in a lot of pain and with poor concentration (opiate fog), I still can't work, but am looking a volunteering a few hours a week.

Back to her issue.  She has worked hard her life, and is transitioning on her own.  In Canada,  or at least Ontario, SRS is covered after satisfying the "gate keepers".  I have to rely on whatever I can save and travel allowances to get to clinics (3 & 5 hours by train) of course, I use best ratws, any discounts, etc.  They have offered to cover hotel and such, but I am tryint work appointments with no overly long layovers.  Plus my HRT is covered (along with all other meds) because of "low income".  It is  horrible stigma,  and something I am far from used to, but making do.

Years ago, I would not have imagined being in this situation, but now that I am, I realize how easy any of us could be.

I have put my transitioning (actually my doctors have) this far off.  I know I can't wait any longers, and this is only way I can currently deal with it.

I know I can't afford ffs or have choice of plastic surgeons, but don't deny me my chance to be me.

Top of the world!

Just got hard copy of endocrinologist letter so I can change my pesky m to a full fledged F!

I knew fhis was on route quite a few days ago, but to have it in my hands is a different situation. Affirmation,  confidence,  general peacefulness, satisfaction and hope - all contained in one letter.  One small envelope holds much more than just it's typed words.  I am being recognized for who I felt ... I knew I was.

No matter how many times I denied it in past, no more.  I am in doctor's office for an adjustment and grinning from ear to ear.

Today started out mediocre after a poor night's sleep, but seems to hold sooo much potential all the sudden ....

Heading to Family doctor

Loootttssss to update him on .... soo much has changed.

Started HRT, official name change, asking him to sign off on my "change of gender" paperwork. I lost a smaal person in weight (getting official weigh-in) and have small (perky?) breasts .... (perky at 42 yrs old is pretty good :) ).

Also talking aboug "big D", "Deep Russian", ... what ever cutesy name hou want to tag on it .... DEPRESSION.  Chronic disability, loss of work, loss of "identity" (not name change or transitioning, but rather lack of being productive ... relying on help to get by month to month).  How the vain have fallen.

I worked /only/ for top IT companies,.  If you were a headhunter in Toronto or Denver (and a few other courting places), you knew my name and wanted me on your teams.  Sure my head was swollen, but I had amazing numbers to back it up (success rates,  closed rates,        hen used my money to start my own company ... my retirement/transitioning nest egg.   Back blew, lost everything..... and was devastated.  You might hear it in my voice, I never fully recovered from that blow.  10 years passed and I am finally starting.

Updated name (wooo hooo), even got him to sign off on documentation for gender marker change!

Pretty successful,  but I am seeing he is wayyyyy out of his comfort base and with me (his secretary is even more strange about it).  I asked for a blood work request, so I could get a "snapshot" on how things are doing, and he had no clue what to ask for.  Looks like I have to wait til my next endo appointment.

On way there and back, cab driver (I had licence pulled because of morphine) was great - 'ladies', correct pronouns and all ... even if problem with name discrepancy on billing info - "you don't look much like a Sean").

Pretty good day, but it was a draining week - too many appointments too close together.

Quick update ...

Sitting in Neurofeedback at moment and thinking this is a good time to give a quick update since my "catch up" a few days ago .... thanks everyone whole took a peek into my madness.

'Guy-mode' ... *sigh. 

If I knew (realized) that I had to have 4 days growth for an electrolysis session, I would have integrated them into between my iPL treatments (even tho laser place said not to because progress would have been impossible to track.  My electrolysis tech says that she would do 1 hour sessions at a time ... and that I might need 4 to 5 sessions.   Doesn't sound too bad, until you think that it is 5 weekends with a beard that is slowly getting thinner ... but still there.  I have been clean shaven, make-up, frills and proper clothing and even dresses for months now ... so even passing a mirror's reflected image will be frustrating to my progress ...

"Just a means to an end ... just a means to an end ... just a means to an end ..."

I got to keep telling me myself this.  I am not de-transitioning, just another step closer to full goal.  Perhaps find an electrolysis that I could go to later same day?  *giggles with my current morphine levels, pain is not really an issue.

Oh 2 MAJOR developments, lifestyle wise ....

-- weight is down to 184lbs as of yesterday (from a high of 260 less than a year ago ... only about 35 more to go!!)

-- morphine now officially lower.  I was up to 230mg slow release and 25mg breakthrough three times a day (over 690mg a day!).  I just dropped again to 30mg, tree times daily (90mg, no breakthroughs).  Hat in just about a year .... btw withdrawals suck!

Hmm headaches due to my testosterone blockers are under control for the second day.  The pharmacist wasn't overly helpful, because since I am in morphine, I should not feel anything (note - my decline in morphine does not mean I am better or cured ... I am very much in more pain than in a long time ... just bearing with it better than tuning out ... I have goals and a true challenge - to start Sonya with the best life possible during this early transition period).  I am currently taking a tylenol and an ibuprofen and it seems to disrupt the migraine cycle.

Was hoping to restart my YouTube vids ... for some reason vids directly uploaded from tablet just got uploaded ... never truly released or published/advertised.  Not sure if people want to see an older transsexual with a light beard tho ... *lol  I might do today while just very light, rather than on Sunday when I might resemble a relative of "Grizzly Adams".

Well almost done here so going to put this down and act as if I was very much just sitting hear listening to music and paying attention to the moving images on the screen.  NF is about 80% what is auditory and at most 20% is visual ...

talk to you soon .... 

Huge Dieting mistake ...

Confession time ....

I realized yesterday morn I really messed up *sigh ...‪#‎dietingmistakes‬

I reduced my intake because, well hey I KNEW I was eating too much for my sedentary (at the time) life style. Then I started going to gym, walking and such (months ago). I gave up most of my normal foods, and even meat (became vegan). I wasn't really thinking about what was going in ... just what seemed to "felt comfortable." I recently starting feeling more and more tired ... almost fainting, nauseated, achy, that sort of thing ... generally drained. 

Yesterday I worked out my "caloric intake". I went from about 2500 Cal a day to just over 1000. (I started slowly of course, but since Nov 2012 I went from ~260lbs to about 180 today). NOT HEALTHY.

Any ways time to re-evaluate my diet and choices ... I don't want to give up my activity level, actually I want to ramp it ... but that means fuelling the engine much more than current level.

Finding Sonya ... other words, how I came out to myself ...

Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)

Letter sent to "syndicated sex columnist" Sasha Van BonBon from Toronto EyeWeekly/The Grid's "Love Bites"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)

 I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this? 

-- GENDER BENDER

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]

After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.

I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.

I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …

I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time.  I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world.  Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately.  But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.

Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself.  Each town would be different.  In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft.  All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie.  I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.

Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape.  Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived).  Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.

I freed myself of an abusive relationship.  I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me.  It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do.  I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into.  Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have.  Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter.  I thank the gods I did not catch anything.

IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie.  I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day.  Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural.  BEING THEMSELVES.  Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.

By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.

That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003.   I returned to Sudbury.  I was going to live my life for me.  Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices.  I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar.  I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.

Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin.  Another phase of my life gone.  I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me.  Looking at the fool I made of myself again.    (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)

Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.

Her openness is refreshing.  This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition.  Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,

It was here I was introduced to Sonya.

Changes, changes, changes ... [what the **bleep** did none of my posts get published? this is from 11 June, 2013]

BIGGEST CHANGE ...

I am on HRT!!

I started my first dose on Tuesday the 11th (June).  I went to SOFT (Southern Ontario Fertility Clinic) in London, ON.  Accompanied by Michelle Boyce from Alphabet Community Centre (London's Trans support group, acclondon.com).

The appointment was NOT stressful, very accepting and extremely supportive!  Michelle is a fierce advocate and an incredible friend.

ok ... back to what happened ...

LOL ... ok, back to ACC first ...

Our health care teams have developed new hormone products and techniques that aid in faster more complete medical hormonal transition. Only developed in London these techniques have been in place since 2007 providing medical transition in 8-15months on average instead of the 3 years on former methods of hormone replacement. Fundamental to the HRT process here is the nasal spray which virtually stops the body from producing any natural hormones. This is used in both the M-F and F-M spectrums of transition. At this point the body is a clean hormonal slate where traditional Testosterone or Estrogen/Progesterone can be introduced without competing hormones.

-- http://acclondon.com/transhealth.php

So essentially I am on HRT ... accelerated?  time will tell ...

So I am on Estrace - no big surprise, and will be on Prometrium in a few weeks (no effective during first dozen or more doses of blocker anyways).  The controversial part is SupreFact (Buserlin Acetate), a nasal spray that is the blocker.  What does it block?  Everything!  Estrogen, Testesterone, the hormones

ReBlog: TRANSMUSEPLANET: Ten things a “trans chaser” says and what it really means…

TransMusePlanet has a great article on the "trans chaser" language ...

TRANSMUSEPLANET: Ten things a “trans chaser” says and what it really means…

(linking mainly because I don't want to loose again ... very well done  :)

First page ... [a brief intro] (was actually written in March ... dunno why never got published ... *sigh)

Welcome

This is my first Blog ... first * released one anyways * I have tried this before had have trashed them all because – well I didn't think they were worth anything ...

I figured out what to do. I will do this video after/during or after being creative - working with paint, clay or otherwise so I am in the right head space. Here it goes ...

I read and heard intros that are along the lines of “My name is Sonya and I am trans gender. “ It sounds like a first step meeting or or admitting that you have a problem. I admit that there is a problem . . . but a casual meeting discussing my past will not make things all better.

Actually I want to document WHO I am, why I am and my progress.

Who am I?

Back in high school – in 1989 - I lived art (and alcohol) and thought I would never lose that ... never.

Then I went to college, met some one ... and for something I will discuss later – I was forced to stop painting.

It is now 2013, I never really painted again ... 

I guess this is a bit of a New Years Resolution ...

I WILL BE ME

I will do what I need to do - to be me

I will make the changes I need to – to be me

I will go where I need to – to be me

Before the holidays I contacted CAMH – to make sure that I am still on the list (I hate not hearing from someone in like forever – and Suzzane @ Gender Identity Clinic mentioned that the wait is like 14 months ... and since the date of application acceptance was - - I can hear from then around Late February to early March THIS YEAR ... I can't wait.

I know there are under “new rules” but this will be my initial accessment. My family Doctor is very hesitant to start ANYTHING – even when I told him I was starting laser hair removal, he was “are you sure?” It is difficult because I am going in over drive – until I go to the his office, then I hit the brakes and I feel like *sheet

That will change I hope, especially once I get the “heads up” from CAMH (I hope they give him a hint about Hormone Therapy)

Who am I? I am artist, I am a poet, I have strong views on certain topics, and I am a transgendered woman!

I WILL have more videos. More about me, more about my progress.

Thanks for watching ... Subscribe and check back because the best is yet to come!
Link to VLOG version ... careful poor quality ...

Supporting Letter coming ...

Wooo Hooo ... my "supporting letter" is coming through today (actually it came through, but some info was wrong) ... next stop (once hard copy arrives) is to change via Birth Certificate office!

I am literally ... shaking .... 

now just waiting for hard copy to arrive :)

Boob Fairy ... *giggles

As mentioned in my 60 Days message ... the "breast fairy" seems to be visiting occasionally *blush

I have been noticing that strange "itching" feeling, which I am guessing is the skin stretching and a small, firming mass.  I have been noticing this "something" happening over a week ago, but thought it might be "in my mind", but this is becoming more and more evident - that instead of being mental/hoping/expectations  (actually it is happening foot or so further south, more in the breast area *giggles) ... I guess the ride is starting and the progesterone is kicking in (been on P for 7 wks? - started 28th June/13).

I actually find wearing a bra comfortable during ... where before getting by with a t-shirt or blouse would be fine.   All positive changes  :)

I know if this is happening now, my next month update ... OMG my 3 months on E & blockers and 2 on Prog. ...should be an interesting one  =)

Thoughts on Art

Sonya has always been an artist.

While following male mode, she was lead a stray with computers, technology ... but did so as a teacher or support - helping people calm down in sometimes worse day of life: student losing paper, companies down because of technical issues, that sort of thing.  but the more she got into technology, the more she lost herself.   due to back injury and meds, my life has changed.

I have been out of the game sooo long, I know I'll never be able to catch up - it has been 10 years since I lost my company.  I don't want to go back though ... constantly changing tech can be difficult to grasp, and since I did it all (laptops, computers, servers, thin-stations, Internet, and even consumer interfaces - drivers for cameras and such).  I'll always be part geek, hey all our computers run Linux variants,  but it won't be my life, again.

I went too long without creating anything creative.  Websites were to a point, but I didn't WYSIWYG (graphical), I coded it, back end with a text editor ,,, not creative.  with my injury and high meds, I was a zombie, for years ... had to make some difficult life choices,  shake off a lot of stuff, but I started to regain my life.

I started small, exploring with "nail art" (a few people actually look forward to my new looks) outrageous make up designs (Pride eyes) ... all starting to wake up the right side of my brain.

Recently my mind has been going places it hasn't in decades ... seeing images I NEED to get out, techniques I have never used, styles of works I have never considered .... days (8.8.13) I started painting ... again.  seriously, with purpose, not forced or coerced,  for the first-time since I started university in 1990!  Sonya.Artist is waking up and fulfilling her destiny.  As Sean in teens, she was an early accomplished painter and multi media creator - not computers, but incorporating unique items like actual strings in a painting of a Spanish guitar ... could actually be strummed.

I have one project I MUST do ... a recreation of a piece that was one of last I did in old life ... actual painting done with Q-tips/pointillism of a Manet painting.  my old one was huge (feet by feet) this one is more reasonable and off to decent start (planned, blocked and starting painting).  it has to be done in layers, overlying features of the landscape (my paintings are rarely flat), where the grass and hill meets the sky, there is a slightest change in physical depth of Paint, and as I work down - people, fence, horse and riders, all slightly higher than the previous layer ... should be interested.  I am still hampered by back pain ... it has actually kept me away from the canvas in past few days ... but that just means I have to work smarter ... and keep the fire kindled.

60 days! (ok just over ... this is a bit late - technical problems)

On June 11th, I started HRT,  making it just over 2 months now ...

Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening.  about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side.  Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs?  I think so.  Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles

For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs.  The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.

I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes.  I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease).  Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.

For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.

A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon.  I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts.  I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."

Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy.  I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...

Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's.  I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition.  And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.

I am, also starting a phase that I feared.  many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now.  The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT.  I don't see anything happening yet.  I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes.  my neck is still huge, facially still same.  I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early).  This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.

Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development.  I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head.  I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles

There is soooo much more to explore ... experience.  I am VERY early still.  just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...

(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).

Painting ...

I was ... in another life ... a "professional" artist ... that being I had showings and sold pieces ...

That ended 1990 ....

Almost 22 years to the season, I have put paint on canvas on a project that has been very close to me ... I am attempting to re-create a piece that was one of the last pieces that I finished then ... and perhaps a painting that I miss the most - it meant a lot.

Wayy back then, I was very ... perhaps "eclectic" might be a good word, perhaps one of the few areas I could be introverted ... I closed doors, locking myself in with basics - way too much alcohol, a bit of food, oh yea candles ... LOTS of music ...  and 3 days or so later would come out ... with 3-4 finished pieces, and writings (poetry) ... it was VERY rewarding ... I had no real sense of time ... just me.

A lot has changed since ... but here is what I am doing.

Manet's Races at Longchamp:

I took a small section ...

"blocked it" so I could plan the work on canvas ...

and then started it ....

adding first colour ...

--Work as of 15 Aug 2013

I work with pointillism ... hundreds, thousands of individual dots of blurred colour (looks really bad up-close, meant to be viewed from a distance).  I usually do a few layers, just to make sure the colour is "just right" ....

I will update as project continues ...

Leaky ...

I just finished reading a post on Brooke Addison's Transbliss.com   and I just had to write the woman involved ...

In the past few years I have been hardened ... ok perhaps more than a few years ... I rarely cry, rarely show emotion ... perhaps too many years of lying to myself and others, I had to close off parts of myself ...

During the reading I had to send "Mary" a thank you letter (below) and I just noticed that I am fighting back tears as I am typing.  Trust me ... this is NOT something I am used to, infact I put my self in emotional locations in my past to get a reaction .... and nothing.

I guess the HRT is working ... (grabbing another tissue) ... I haven't been posting or vlogging recently, mainly because I am getting more and more frustrated ... but recently I KNOW something has been changing ... I have started painting again, and will post updates on that page ... but I guess this is one of the true proofs that something is happening ... that Sonya is becoming alive ... and she is taking control.

I just read your "Grieving a child who is still alive" on Transbliss.com (Brooke Addison's site) and needed to thank you.  Not only for your acceptance of Chris, but also how you are trying to help others.  

I am a transitioning late in life (42), I lost my birth mother over 2 years (she never had a chance to meet Sonya) and I haven't seen or heard from my adopted parents since I was 18 ... and I know they would not want too ...

For all of us out there without parents as strong and loving as you ... thank you soo much.

~Sonya

 I will be working more on this ... trust me, I have a few posts dying to get out ...

CAMH on Friday ...

CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly.  I really don't know what to expect.  I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any  payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...

scare???

Definitely!

This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning.  My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.

      

Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus.  I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants.  I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.

Fingers crossed ... wish me luck?  I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days.  I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.

My iPL Hair Removal Progress ...

Just a few quick pics logging my progress with hair removal.  Right now, I am attending ~6 weeks and started early December of 2012.  I am writing a post about the actual process, but I'll use this as my "brag" page.  Also included are a few pics from my "old" life, showing what it could have looked like ...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I started my treatment on December and each photo was taken 3 weeks after treatment, so remaining hair had a chance to be visible.

 

(No matter how bad my eyes look ... NO I was NOT stoned ... LOL)

Actually (in my eyes) the lack of progress is what stopped me from doing my vlog, basically I could see EVERY flaw, every "trace" of beard ... even though it was disappearing, all I could see was ~2003 images coming though behind the make-up.  It was only when I started preparing the "tracking" pictures to post, could I see that things HAVE changed!

note:  Very sorry about formatting, I am trying to find a template I like, and every change screws up how the pictures look.  I will straighten them out once template is fixed up, and I will also update this with newest pictures!

Just finished - new hair colouring

Looks great, plus learned a lot about how to fix it and what I was doing wrong in past ....

Hair colouring ...

At salon .... looks great so far!

Restarting VLog ...

After months of doubt & frustration I have restarted my vlog.  After posting my first moths ago, I have decided that, no matter what I think now, I want something to look back and say "I have changed".  Since I am my worse enemy and critic, I just won't watch them until a bit further down the road.

If you watch, please be gentle. 

(I am writing this on a new tablet - still trying to get used to - so I apologize ahead  of time for embarrassing or offensive /auto-corrects/)

Watch "Restarting my Vlog" on YouTube

Telling My Daughter ...

I just came out to my daughter. Due to situation I had to do so via FB, but with circumstances as they are (hers & mine) it was the best I could do. I hope she understands how important it is to share my life - even from a distance - with her.

<rant>
I had to submit a "name change" notification to my ex (legal reasons and such) and left express instructions that for the time being, it was to remain between me and her as I was going to tell my daughter once she is more settled (they just had a major change, city, schools and works).  So of course she left the paperwork hanging around.  I was given heads up by my daughter's social worker about her "being mad at me" because she felt I was not being honest with her.  I hated not coming out since day one, but we only were re-connected last year after being out of contact for over 10 years - I wanted her to know me for me before she judged me for trans* or other wise.
</rant>

*crossing fingers for positive response*

I hate mirrors ....

dys·pho·ri·a

noun Pathology .
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 
1835–45;  < Neo-Latin  < Greek dysphoría  malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys-dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia

[dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] 

"State of dissatisfaction"??
When I look in a mirror, I see a stranger, a familar one - but one that haunts me.

A friend's (ftm) vlog said something to the extent of:

...When I look in the mirror I saw a masculine version of myself.  My brain picked apart bits and pieces of what it could relate to and then filled or fabricated everything else to create an image of what my internal perception of myself was. ... 

When he saw himself then, he could see who he was really, and looking back he was shocked at how "feminine" he really looked compared to X months on T.

Unfortunately I am the opposite.  I look in the mirror and see EVERY flaw.  From 1990 (when I went to university) to now, I only have a small handful of pics or photos.  Some lost, most destroyed because of what I kept seeing.  Even now, trying to document my "changes", I have to resist the urge to just hit delete, rather than resize & save.

Watch out - boring, self defeating text follows ....

No matter how much I shave, I can still see facial hair - the same hair I used to hide behind when I was proving that I was who I tried to be.

Don't worry, I am not going to go into all my flaws - I would literally be here alll night.

Even mentally ... there is a battle going on.  I am going to touch on that in another post.

I know "It does get better" ... I see it when I see the ones  before me who have changed their life,but WILL I see it? How long will it take before I am comfortable in looking in the mirror?  How long til "smiles" for photos are real?

Just thinking out loud I guess ... I am hoping putting my thoughts on paper, instead of having them fester inside of me will be a form of self healing ...

It's 5am and I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep - my cpap machine's alarms went off, telling me I died again and to wake up and do something about it - so I am not sure if I am going go lay back down or to start working on another post ... perhaps just start it .... *yawn.

A point of no return ...

Part of my CAMH letter asked for "any other current "Gender Role Experience documents; such as legal name change; school transcripts; work records or volunteer letters" so here it goes ...

Where I live the Ontario Office of the Registrar General, the government ministry/agency that deals with official records including birth, death, identification marriage, identity and any changes there of.  Therefore, as of 28 March 2013, I am officially petitioning the Registrar General to change my name from Sean to Jacquelyn Sonya.  It might sound silly, but my hands were shaking during the affirmation (being Pagan, I preferred not to swear on the Bible) and during the mailing of the package (all 20 pages).

Since part of the process involves notification and since I was married (been separated since '98), I have to notify my ex - who I don't think had any clue ... so I decided to pre-emptedly come out to her, before she receives the letter.

"<<Ex's Name>>,

Years ago I went through a severe depression (right around the time of the custody hearings) and I started exploring who I really am.  I went through meditation, soul searching and much more.  It literally took years.

I reached out for help, did research, more soul searching and much more.
This is hard to talk about, especially since it doesn't directly effect you - not to be rude.  But it effects me and it does effect my relationship with <<daughter's name>>.  I am asking that you not tell <<daughter's name>>, it is important to me that I AM THE ONE ... plus it is etiquette not to "out" someone.

I know you were not open-minded to various types of people.

At first I was wondering if I was "gay", but this wasn't right.  I started "cross dressing" occasionally, but again not quite right.

On May 24th I am getting my "official" diagnosis as Gender Dysphoria.  It is also known as Gender Identity Disorder.  Essentially one is born into the body of the wrong sex - my mental gender does not match my physical body.  I am working on changing my physical being to reflect my mental image.

I am sending you acknowledgement of my application for name change.  (parts removed for privacy)

Sean ********"

I haven't had any reply, but I can just imagine the language of the reply ... *giggles  It's a good thing that she just gets a notification and that she doesn't have to approve it.  We have spoken since ~2001, and only recently since she is having some problems that effected our daughter.

Any ways, back to the paperwork ... I can't wait till I get the "official" reply, and I just hope I don't get a delay, as I would LOVE to bring this document with my CAMH meeting.  I am taking of the breaks and starting to move into high gear ...