A point of no return ...

Part of my CAMH letter asked for "any other current "Gender Role Experience documents; such as legal name change; school transcripts; work records or volunteer letters" so here it goes ...

Where I live the Ontario Office of the Registrar General, the government ministry/agency that deals with official records including birth, death, identification marriage, identity and any changes there of.  Therefore, as of 28 March 2013, I am officially petitioning the Registrar General to change my name from Sean to Jacquelyn Sonya.  It might sound silly, but my hands were shaking during the affirmation (being Pagan, I preferred not to swear on the Bible) and during the mailing of the package (all 20 pages).

Since part of the process involves notification and since I was married (been separated since '98), I have to notify my ex - who I don't think had any clue ... so I decided to pre-emptedly come out to her, before she receives the letter.

"<<Ex's Name>>,

Years ago I went through a severe depression (right around the time of the custody hearings) and I started exploring who I really am.  I went through meditation, soul searching and much more.  It literally took years.

I reached out for help, did research, more soul searching and much more.
This is hard to talk about, especially since it doesn't directly effect you - not to be rude.  But it effects me and it does effect my relationship with <<daughter's name>>.  I am asking that you not tell <<daughter's name>>, it is important to me that I AM THE ONE ... plus it is etiquette not to "out" someone.

I know you were not open-minded to various types of people.

At first I was wondering if I was "gay", but this wasn't right.  I started "cross dressing" occasionally, but again not quite right.

On May 24th I am getting my "official" diagnosis as Gender Dysphoria.  It is also known as Gender Identity Disorder.  Essentially one is born into the body of the wrong sex - my mental gender does not match my physical body.  I am working on changing my physical being to reflect my mental image.

I am sending you acknowledgement of my application for name change.  (parts removed for privacy)

Sean ********"

I haven't had any reply, but I can just imagine the language of the reply ... *giggles  It's a good thing that she just gets a notification and that she doesn't have to approve it.  We have spoken since ~2001, and only recently since she is having some problems that effected our daughter.

Any ways, back to the paperwork ... I can't wait till I get the "official" reply, and I just hope I don't get a delay, as I would LOVE to bring this document with my CAMH meeting.  I am taking of the breaks and starting to move into high gear ...

YES!!! I got my CAMH Letter!

I finally got my CAMH letter for GID evaluation.  I go to Toronto in late May for 2 evaluations.  It seems that (if the document is 100% right) I have an 11pm meeting(?) - since it is a gov't clinic, that is probably 11am.

Under "new rules", as far as I gather, CAMH deals with surgical evaluations.   I found out that there is another venue to start HRT.  I request a referral to a London, Ontario fertility clinic (this is a route where many trans people in London and surrounding area are fast tracked to).  The wait list is ~30 days, which is very small, considering I have been waiting 13 months for this letter, which won't open the doors I hope it would have, but will be a foot in the door for what I need later on.

I will update the next steps ... and I will finally start to take pictures.  I definitely want to document what happens.

So I guess I will share my good news ...

Hormones & CAMH

Help?
Some background on my situation.  In Ontario, Canada, CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) used to deal with anything trans, but recently they have decentralized, giving family doctors control of their patients' health, and they will deal with approving surgeries and such.

My family doctor is very hesitant, dragging his heals on anything relating to trans (I am currently looking for a new Dr, but few are taking new patients in my province (Canada)), so he won't do anything until CAMH gives diagnosis and gives him guidelines for hrt and such (I even went in all excited about starting laser hair removal and he said "are you sure" - all serious and dis approving).

I am 42, and I am very sure (I originally came out over 6 years ago, but other problems (damaged back (still dealing with) came up that delayed possible CAMH at that time).  OK back to the point, I am with in weeks of my CAMH call (I sent my evaluation package in ~Jan of last year, wait is 12-14 months).  A dear friend of my knows my situation (and frustration) and (due to a pharmacy mix up) could "hooke me up" with a few months worth of low/entry dosage Estrace.

I have read risks, pluses and negatives and everything for over a year, and every day without a phone call is very frustrating.  Even after I get the appointments and such, there is the further delays of evaluation and paperwork (I don't think I would walk out of the mental heath's clinic with a 'script).

Sorry I really didn't mean to ramble on, but I would sincerely appreciate any and all thoughts (except of course for the ones of "your sooo evil for even considering" - I have been giving myself that speech for the last day or so *sigh)

Do you think I am going to "screw" my self up with CAMH if I started self-medicating?  Should I just wait? ... thinking and reaching out for ideas  ;S

Getting ready to go ...

All Dolled up ... take a peek ...

Ooops pictures came out on side ... will adjust make sure will not make same mistake next time  ;)

I am having a triple A day

I know that people usually post a "Hi, I am ..." post first, but this just happened and I don't want to forget the mood ...

I was at the local Y having a decent workout (short today 30 min on cycle and proposed 30 min on treadmill) and I was trying to work on a work-out/fitness app on my tablet when a reminder pop-up occurred:

[Saturday] "2pm TFam @ party room"

TFam is the local trans & ally support group that I was just notified of a few weeks ago (3March).  Since they are bi-monthly, I haven't been to a group yet.

I stopped ... cold

Returned to my walking, I started to think during my cool down.  Thinking can be scary, especially if your mind is a dark place ...

Approval - We all need social approval but the more limited your circle the more the possibility a chance of more global acceptance  - O.K., global is a bit much, well if just a few persons - it seems to effect (warm?) certain parts of self.  (o.k., enough with warm and fuzzy LOL).

Apprehension -  In the simplest terms, Crash 'n Burn.  The fears of being called out, being read (and it devastate you), abandonment, pain and soo much more.  Every time I put on make-up, wear a bra, become who I am, feel the way I want to feel - every time I put myself out there .... I feel like I am not good enough. 

Anxiety - I guess it goes hand-in-hand with apprehension.  Years ago, I had been diagnosed with situational depression (essentially my situation is causing my depression).  Transitioning helps remove part of my situation, I no longer have to lie to myself ... BUT when I look in the mirror I .... I really don't know how to explain it.  Chin hairs are glaring at me - without going through the list, trust me I really don't feel like I could pass to anyone ...

and not passing makes me apprehensive about meeting people ... and even if I do meet people (allies and brothers and sisters), will I be socially accepted/approved?

It is a vicious circle ... and it is very emotionally draining.

Now I am in another such loop about writing and publishing this ... *rolls eyes.

Any ways, I will be going tomorrow.  I will meet new friends and allies.  I will look my best (at least for now *giggle), and I know I have the strength of my current friends backing me.  For this I am very thankful.

I am going to take a deep breath, hit publish, take a hot bath and relax for a bit.  Also, after I get the realisation that I actually published my first blog post and my world didn't collapse - I might work on all the others that I have been writing snippets of and hid away.