CAMH on Friday ...

CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly.  I really don't know what to expect.  I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any  payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...

scare???

Definitely!

This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning.  My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.

      

Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus.  I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants.  I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.

Fingers crossed ... wish me luck?  I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days.  I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.

My iPL Hair Removal Progress ...

Just a few quick pics logging my progress with hair removal.  Right now, I am attending ~6 weeks and started early December of 2012.  I am writing a post about the actual process, but I'll use this as my "brag" page.  Also included are a few pics from my "old" life, showing what it could have looked like ...

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I started my treatment on December and each photo was taken 3 weeks after treatment, so remaining hair had a chance to be visible.

 

(No matter how bad my eyes look ... NO I was NOT stoned ... LOL)

Actually (in my eyes) the lack of progress is what stopped me from doing my vlog, basically I could see EVERY flaw, every "trace" of beard ... even though it was disappearing, all I could see was ~2003 images coming though behind the make-up.  It was only when I started preparing the "tracking" pictures to post, could I see that things HAVE changed!

note:  Very sorry about formatting, I am trying to find a template I like, and every change screws up how the pictures look.  I will straighten them out once template is fixed up, and I will also update this with newest pictures!

Just finished - new hair colouring

Looks great, plus learned a lot about how to fix it and what I was doing wrong in past ....

Hair colouring ...

At salon .... looks great so far!

Restarting VLog ...

After months of doubt & frustration I have restarted my vlog.  After posting my first moths ago, I have decided that, no matter what I think now, I want something to look back and say "I have changed".  Since I am my worse enemy and critic, I just won't watch them until a bit further down the road.

If you watch, please be gentle. 

(I am writing this on a new tablet - still trying to get used to - so I apologize ahead  of time for embarrassing or offensive /auto-corrects/)

Watch "Restarting my Vlog" on YouTube

Telling My Daughter ...

I just came out to my daughter. Due to situation I had to do so via FB, but with circumstances as they are (hers & mine) it was the best I could do. I hope she understands how important it is to share my life - even from a distance - with her.

<rant>
I had to submit a "name change" notification to my ex (legal reasons and such) and left express instructions that for the time being, it was to remain between me and her as I was going to tell my daughter once she is more settled (they just had a major change, city, schools and works).  So of course she left the paperwork hanging around.  I was given heads up by my daughter's social worker about her "being mad at me" because she felt I was not being honest with her.  I hated not coming out since day one, but we only were re-connected last year after being out of contact for over 10 years - I wanted her to know me for me before she judged me for trans* or other wise.
</rant>

*crossing fingers for positive response*

I hate mirrors ....

dys·pho·ri·a

noun Pathology .
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 
1835–45;  < Neo-Latin  < Greek dysphoría  malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys-dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia

[dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] 

"State of dissatisfaction"??
When I look in a mirror, I see a stranger, a familar one - but one that haunts me.

A friend's (ftm) vlog said something to the extent of:

...When I look in the mirror I saw a masculine version of myself.  My brain picked apart bits and pieces of what it could relate to and then filled or fabricated everything else to create an image of what my internal perception of myself was. ... 

When he saw himself then, he could see who he was really, and looking back he was shocked at how "feminine" he really looked compared to X months on T.

Unfortunately I am the opposite.  I look in the mirror and see EVERY flaw.  From 1990 (when I went to university) to now, I only have a small handful of pics or photos.  Some lost, most destroyed because of what I kept seeing.  Even now, trying to document my "changes", I have to resist the urge to just hit delete, rather than resize & save.

Watch out - boring, self defeating text follows ....

No matter how much I shave, I can still see facial hair - the same hair I used to hide behind when I was proving that I was who I tried to be.

Don't worry, I am not going to go into all my flaws - I would literally be here alll night.

Even mentally ... there is a battle going on.  I am going to touch on that in another post.

I know "It does get better" ... I see it when I see the ones  before me who have changed their life,but WILL I see it? How long will it take before I am comfortable in looking in the mirror?  How long til "smiles" for photos are real?

Just thinking out loud I guess ... I am hoping putting my thoughts on paper, instead of having them fester inside of me will be a form of self healing ...

It's 5am and I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep - my cpap machine's alarms went off, telling me I died again and to wake up and do something about it - so I am not sure if I am going go lay back down or to start working on another post ... perhaps just start it .... *yawn.