Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)
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Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)
I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this?
-- GENDER BENDER
[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]
After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.
I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.
I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …
I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time. I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world. Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately. But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.
Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself. Each town would be different. In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft. All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie. I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.
Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape. Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived). Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.
I freed myself of an abusive relationship. I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me. It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do. I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into. Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have. Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter. I thank the gods I did not catch anything.
IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie. I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day. Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural. BEING THEMSELVES. Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.
By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.
That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003. I returned to Sudbury. I was going to live my life for me. Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices. I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar. I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.
Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin. Another phase of my life gone. I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me. Looking at the fool I made of myself again. (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)
Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.
Her openness is refreshing. This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition. Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,
It was here I was introduced to Sonya.
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