I am having a triple A day

I know that people usually post a "Hi, I am ..." post first, but this just happened and I don't want to forget the mood ...

I was at the local Y having a decent workout (short today 30 min on cycle and proposed 30 min on treadmill) and I was trying to work on a work-out/fitness app on my tablet when a reminder pop-up occurred:

[Saturday] "2pm TFam @ party room"

TFam is the local trans & ally support group that I was just notified of a few weeks ago (3March).  Since they are bi-monthly, I haven't been to a group yet.

I stopped ... cold

Returned to my walking, I started to think during my cool down.  Thinking can be scary, especially if your mind is a dark place ...

Approval - We all need social approval but the more limited your circle the more the possibility a chance of more global acceptance  - O.K., global is a bit much, well if just a few persons - it seems to effect (warm?) certain parts of self.  (o.k., enough with warm and fuzzy LOL).

Apprehension -  In the simplest terms, Crash 'n Burn.  The fears of being called out, being read (and it devastate you), abandonment, pain and soo much more.  Every time I put on make-up, wear a bra, become who I am, feel the way I want to feel - every time I put myself out there .... I feel like I am not good enough. 

Anxiety - I guess it goes hand-in-hand with apprehension.  Years ago, I had been diagnosed with situational depression (essentially my situation is causing my depression).  Transitioning helps remove part of my situation, I no longer have to lie to myself ... BUT when I look in the mirror I .... I really don't know how to explain it.  Chin hairs are glaring at me - without going through the list, trust me I really don't feel like I could pass to anyone ...

and not passing makes me apprehensive about meeting people ... and even if I do meet people (allies and brothers and sisters), will I be socially accepted/approved?

It is a vicious circle ... and it is very emotionally draining.

Now I am in another such loop about writing and publishing this ... *rolls eyes.

Any ways, I will be going tomorrow.  I will meet new friends and allies.  I will look my best (at least for now *giggle), and I know I have the strength of my current friends backing me.  For this I am very thankful.

I am going to take a deep breath, hit publish, take a hot bath and relax for a bit.  Also, after I get the realisation that I actually published my first blog post and my world didn't collapse - I might work on all the others that I have been writing snippets of and hid away.