I hate mirrors ....

dys·pho·ri·a

noun Pathology .
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 
1835–45;  < Neo-Latin  < Greek dysphoría  malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys-dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia

[dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] 

"State of dissatisfaction"??
When I look in a mirror, I see a stranger, a familar one - but one that haunts me.

A friend's (ftm) vlog said something to the extent of:

...When I look in the mirror I saw a masculine version of myself.  My brain picked apart bits and pieces of what it could relate to and then filled or fabricated everything else to create an image of what my internal perception of myself was. ... 

When he saw himself then, he could see who he was really, and looking back he was shocked at how "feminine" he really looked compared to X months on T.

Unfortunately I am the opposite.  I look in the mirror and see EVERY flaw.  From 1990 (when I went to university) to now, I only have a small handful of pics or photos.  Some lost, most destroyed because of what I kept seeing.  Even now, trying to document my "changes", I have to resist the urge to just hit delete, rather than resize & save.

Watch out - boring, self defeating text follows ....

No matter how much I shave, I can still see facial hair - the same hair I used to hide behind when I was proving that I was who I tried to be.

Don't worry, I am not going to go into all my flaws - I would literally be here alll night.

Even mentally ... there is a battle going on.  I am going to touch on that in another post.

I know "It does get better" ... I see it when I see the ones  before me who have changed their life,but WILL I see it? How long will it take before I am comfortable in looking in the mirror?  How long til "smiles" for photos are real?

Just thinking out loud I guess ... I am hoping putting my thoughts on paper, instead of having them fester inside of me will be a form of self healing ...

It's 5am and I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep - my cpap machine's alarms went off, telling me I died again and to wake up and do something about it - so I am not sure if I am going go lay back down or to start working on another post ... perhaps just start it .... *yawn.