Defending myself ...

I hate doing this, but it sounds like I have to defend myself from within the community ....

I am legally disabled.  I walk with a cane - or if really bad a walker.  My pain is controoled by morphine ... controlled is a bad word for it ... kept in check is more accurate has I live daily with a lot of pain. 

A fellow local transwoman saw me celebrating during the local Pride festivities - proudly marching in the parade (my first marching) and enjoying the after party at a local night club (first time out dancing in about 10 years).  I was celebrating the most emotional 2 weeks of my life .... official GID diagnosis from regional clinic and starting HRT from another clinic.   After years of denials, doubt and hatred, I had a door blow wide open ... I had a reason to party!

Prior to this, I have been putting my body through hell - everything to regain control of my life.  That meant  (among a LOT of things) getting in somewhat shape, loosing weight and loosing the walker (it was actually causing more damage).  It also meant being hyper aware of body mechanics ... any wrong motion would set me back ... (emotionally perhaps for good, physically, I don't want to know).  No matter what , I was going to make sure I push forward - no real setbacks.  ;)

Ok back to story ... oklooong before this story - I used to "be someone".  I worked witn Microsoft, Intel, for IBM,  Packard Bell and others.  For the longest while, I was on headhunters' list.  This helped me move all over U.S. and choose mh jobs.  When I started with IBM,  I was reaching o2jt for help transitioning, unfortunately, the social climate did not make this possible.  I was making decent money, had savings, but startinf could put me in a bad situation,  contract-wise. 

I know I should have fought for it then (2000-2003).

My goal was to transition, after leaving.  Find a way I can do it without being controlled by policies or worse - politics.

After my contract was up, I started my own company - long story real short: doing well, new location, doing better, hired independent contractors (my space, the work and bill through me), expanded from store to cafe, doing good (dumping allmonies back into company), absorbed another smaller company, ..... could not get out of chair -back damaged, diagnosis at clinic 7 hours away, at clinic for 5 days, went back to store.... empty (stock computers and bank account).  This was 2003

Ok longer than I thought, sorry.

Ok back problems - I could have held on to company,  just nothing physical.   Back problems worsened.  The injury h2aopened 1 year after leaving IBM, the store was barely 9 months old.  Unemployment ran out, no possibility in near future.  Not able to hold onto job because of pain and missed work, I was "awarded" a disability allowance (about 1000 $ monthly). 

Add depression because of situation, and a lot more stuff just adding to stresses.  Fast forward a bit, meds are way too high, I am basically a zombie, eating, watching tv and sleeping.  Anything to distract from pain.  Realized that the situation was going to kill me (above), I stared making changes - big ones.

Still in a lot of pain and with poor concentration (opiate fog), I still can't work, but am looking a volunteering a few hours a week.

Back to her issue.  She has worked hard her life, and is transitioning on her own.  In Canada,  or at least Ontario, SRS is covered after satisfying the "gate keepers".  I have to rely on whatever I can save and travel allowances to get to clinics (3 & 5 hours by train) of course, I use best ratws, any discounts, etc.  They have offered to cover hotel and such, but I am tryint work appointments with no overly long layovers.  Plus my HRT is covered (along with all other meds) because of "low income".  It is  horrible stigma,  and something I am far from used to, but making do.

Years ago, I would not have imagined being in this situation, but now that I am, I realize how easy any of us could be.

I have put my transitioning (actually my doctors have) this far off.  I know I can't wait any longers, and this is only way I can currently deal with it.

I know I can't afford ffs or have choice of plastic surgeons, but don't deny me my chance to be me.

Finding Sonya ... other words, how I came out to myself ...

Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)

Letter sent to "syndicated sex columnist" Sasha Van BonBon from Toronto EyeWeekly/The Grid's "Love Bites"
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Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)

 I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this? 

-- GENDER BENDER

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[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]

After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.

I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.

I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …

I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time.  I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world.  Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately.  But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.

Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself.  Each town would be different.  In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft.  All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie.  I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.

Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape.  Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived).  Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.

I freed myself of an abusive relationship.  I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me.  It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do.  I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into.  Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have.  Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter.  I thank the gods I did not catch anything.

IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie.  I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day.  Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural.  BEING THEMSELVES.  Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.

By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.

That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003.   I returned to Sudbury.  I was going to live my life for me.  Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices.  I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar.  I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.

Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin.  Another phase of my life gone.  I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me.  Looking at the fool I made of myself again.    (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)

Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.

Her openness is refreshing.  This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition.  Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,

It was here I was introduced to Sonya.

CAMH on Friday ...

CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly.  I really don't know what to expect.  I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any  payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...

scare???

Definitely!

This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning.  My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.

      

Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus.  I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants.  I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.

Fingers crossed ... wish me luck?  I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days.  I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.

Restarting VLog ...

After months of doubt & frustration I have restarted my vlog.  After posting my first moths ago, I have decided that, no matter what I think now, I want something to look back and say "I have changed".  Since I am my worse enemy and critic, I just won't watch them until a bit further down the road.

If you watch, please be gentle. 

(I am writing this on a new tablet - still trying to get used to - so I apologize ahead  of time for embarrassing or offensive /auto-corrects/)

Watch "Restarting my Vlog" on YouTube

A point of no return ...

Part of my CAMH letter asked for "any other current "Gender Role Experience documents; such as legal name change; school transcripts; work records or volunteer letters" so here it goes ...

Where I live the Ontario Office of the Registrar General, the government ministry/agency that deals with official records including birth, death, identification marriage, identity and any changes there of.  Therefore, as of 28 March 2013, I am officially petitioning the Registrar General to change my name from Sean to Jacquelyn Sonya.  It might sound silly, but my hands were shaking during the affirmation (being Pagan, I preferred not to swear on the Bible) and during the mailing of the package (all 20 pages).

Since part of the process involves notification and since I was married (been separated since '98), I have to notify my ex - who I don't think had any clue ... so I decided to pre-emptedly come out to her, before she receives the letter.

"<<Ex's Name>>,

Years ago I went through a severe depression (right around the time of the custody hearings) and I started exploring who I really am.  I went through meditation, soul searching and much more.  It literally took years.

I reached out for help, did research, more soul searching and much more.
This is hard to talk about, especially since it doesn't directly effect you - not to be rude.  But it effects me and it does effect my relationship with <<daughter's name>>.  I am asking that you not tell <<daughter's name>>, it is important to me that I AM THE ONE ... plus it is etiquette not to "out" someone.

I know you were not open-minded to various types of people.

At first I was wondering if I was "gay", but this wasn't right.  I started "cross dressing" occasionally, but again not quite right.

On May 24th I am getting my "official" diagnosis as Gender Dysphoria.  It is also known as Gender Identity Disorder.  Essentially one is born into the body of the wrong sex - my mental gender does not match my physical body.  I am working on changing my physical being to reflect my mental image.

I am sending you acknowledgement of my application for name change.  (parts removed for privacy)

Sean ********"

I haven't had any reply, but I can just imagine the language of the reply ... *giggles  It's a good thing that she just gets a notification and that she doesn't have to approve it.  We have spoken since ~2001, and only recently since she is having some problems that effected our daughter.

Any ways, back to the paperwork ... I can't wait till I get the "official" reply, and I just hope I don't get a delay, as I would LOVE to bring this document with my CAMH meeting.  I am taking of the breaks and starting to move into high gear ...

YES!!! I got my CAMH Letter!

I finally got my CAMH letter for GID evaluation.  I go to Toronto in late May for 2 evaluations.  It seems that (if the document is 100% right) I have an 11pm meeting(?) - since it is a gov't clinic, that is probably 11am.

Under "new rules", as far as I gather, CAMH deals with surgical evaluations.   I found out that there is another venue to start HRT.  I request a referral to a London, Ontario fertility clinic (this is a route where many trans people in London and surrounding area are fast tracked to).  The wait list is ~30 days, which is very small, considering I have been waiting 13 months for this letter, which won't open the doors I hope it would have, but will be a foot in the door for what I need later on.

I will update the next steps ... and I will finally start to take pictures.  I definitely want to document what happens.

So I guess I will share my good news ...

Hormones & CAMH

Help?
Some background on my situation.  In Ontario, Canada, CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) used to deal with anything trans, but recently they have decentralized, giving family doctors control of their patients' health, and they will deal with approving surgeries and such.

My family doctor is very hesitant, dragging his heals on anything relating to trans (I am currently looking for a new Dr, but few are taking new patients in my province (Canada)), so he won't do anything until CAMH gives diagnosis and gives him guidelines for hrt and such (I even went in all excited about starting laser hair removal and he said "are you sure" - all serious and dis approving).

I am 42, and I am very sure (I originally came out over 6 years ago, but other problems (damaged back (still dealing with) came up that delayed possible CAMH at that time).  OK back to the point, I am with in weeks of my CAMH call (I sent my evaluation package in ~Jan of last year, wait is 12-14 months).  A dear friend of my knows my situation (and frustration) and (due to a pharmacy mix up) could "hooke me up" with a few months worth of low/entry dosage Estrace.

I have read risks, pluses and negatives and everything for over a year, and every day without a phone call is very frustrating.  Even after I get the appointments and such, there is the further delays of evaluation and paperwork (I don't think I would walk out of the mental heath's clinic with a 'script).

Sorry I really didn't mean to ramble on, but I would sincerely appreciate any and all thoughts (except of course for the ones of "your sooo evil for even considering" - I have been giving myself that speech for the last day or so *sigh)

Do you think I am going to "screw" my self up with CAMH if I started self-medicating?  Should I just wait? ... thinking and reaching out for ideas  ;S