On June 11th, I started HRT, making it just over 2 months now ...
Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening. about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side. Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs? I think so. Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles
For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs. The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.
I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes. I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease). Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.
For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.
A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon. I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts. I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."
Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy. I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...
Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's. I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition. And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.
I am, also starting a phase that I feared. many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now. The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT. I don't see anything happening yet. I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes. my neck is still huge, facially still same. I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early). This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.
Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development. I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head. I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles
There is soooo much more to explore ... experience. I am VERY early still. just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...
(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).
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