Part of my learning experience ... Growing Pains

I have a huge but strange favour ...

I need your help and patience.  I need to migrate from using "Sonya" to Jacquelyn.

It is incredibly hard to explain, and doesn't really make sense on a strictly rational level.  Recently, I have been dealing with many identity issues, dealing with splitting off and seperating from the "negative voices" of the past.  Sadly enough, recently A few times I have heard my name and connecting it to "his."

For the longest time I never thought much about names.  I was very emotionally disconnected.  Names, especially mind, never really meant anything to me - apathy, dissaciation with "labels" given me by people who are long in my past and have no bearing on who I am, even really who I was for the past 20 years ... other than haunting me.  This is a chance to step away from past shadows, to finally accept who I am, to finally start my life.

Not sure if it is hormones talking or the realization who I am and that my life is finally starting.

I am not trying to be difficult to confuse ... I know that many found the whole transition idea difficult.

Sorry about rambling ... this has been a while trying to figure out how to say this ... it feels strange, it doesn't make sense to me ... but it is part of growing, part of figuring out who I really am.

All part of my learning experience.

Reviewing my game plan ... one year later

Something I wrote my birthday, last year (2012) ... took time to review it on Oct. 14th - one year later. 

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It was a lot easier as Sean .. I knew who I was (roles, not really me) and what was expected.  Right now, often, I feel lost.  I know where I want to be, but as each day passes, it seems further away.  Sometimes, more than I should, I toss myself into something (a stupid game, web browsing, reading other people's lives and such) just to hide away from dealing, and that night I feel, rightly so, there's another day wasted.

I have to put foot down, with self mainly, and say THIS IS THE PRIORITY!

I have a tonne of nail polish, yet my nails are "nude."

I have to go through my wardrobe and figure out what fits, what works and what I need.

I need to practice make up so I don't look like a clown

Reduce current meds, clear head - ability to focus.

I have to capture moments like this, so I have my thoughts captured.  I do this blogging,  vlog, essays, photo documentation ... and now that I figured out how - audio dictation.

I have to get my ass off Facebook and use my guides and tools instead of catching up on Arrow or Storage Wars.

I have to put the games away and use them as rewards rather than something to do all day.

I have to eat and take pills, instead of a 90 minute breakfast over 2 CSIs.

I have to get my fat ass to the gym and do something about it ... I am paying for it to use more than 1 to 2 times a month!

I have to stay ahead of appointments and such ...  not scramble at last minute.

I have to plan my days ... having a 1 hour appointment in 24 hours leaves 14 hours to do other stuffs.

When I can't figure something out, I find someone and ask, rather than follow link after link and be topics that have nothing to do with problem at hand.

GET RID OF ALL THE TRASH ON MY DESK - IF YOU CAN'T FIND SOMETHING YOU JUST SET DOWN, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Catch up and stay current on house work.

I have to look at this when I wake up and not sure what to do in morning while breakfast.

ADD TO THIS AS NECESSARY.

Essentially, seize the day, every day, all day ... do this, not for Sean, do it for Sonya.

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*Of course I wrote this just before I messed up my arm so guess I will have to readjust to match current situation