Part of my learning experience ... Growing Pains

I have a huge but strange favour ...

I need your help and patience.  I need to migrate from using "Sonya" to Jacquelyn.

It is incredibly hard to explain, and doesn't really make sense on a strictly rational level.  Recently, I have been dealing with many identity issues, dealing with splitting off and seperating from the "negative voices" of the past.  Sadly enough, recently A few times I have heard my name and connecting it to "his."

For the longest time I never thought much about names.  I was very emotionally disconnected.  Names, especially mind, never really meant anything to me - apathy, dissaciation with "labels" given me by people who are long in my past and have no bearing on who I am, even really who I was for the past 20 years ... other than haunting me.  This is a chance to step away from past shadows, to finally accept who I am, to finally start my life.

Not sure if it is hormones talking or the realization who I am and that my life is finally starting.

I am not trying to be difficult to confuse ... I know that many found the whole transition idea difficult.

Sorry about rambling ... this has been a while trying to figure out how to say this ... it feels strange, it doesn't make sense to me ... but it is part of growing, part of figuring out who I really am.

All part of my learning experience.

Changes in Personality ....?

Does HRT change your personality?  Can our blockers and core hormones change who we are as a being?

I see videos telling us that we will be the same person.  Hormones can not make us a different person!

Or can they?

Of course transmen or genderfluid using male hormones will get (as far as I know), bursts of assertiveness, that "little something" that was similar to steroids in those young teen boys which "way too much testosterone".  In transwomen, you take that away or reduce it and we go from "raging bull" to beatnick ... ok I jest, but we loose some of our agressive nature.

Could anything else be happening?

This is not a side effect of HRT, but an advantage of taking that leap.  This leap does not have to be staring 'mones, it could be pressing your previous limitations (I am thing of our CD girls, ones that many not be interested in transitioning fully - but do bloom when possible).  I had to start making major changes, many of were or are like that.

But needing was not enough, you had to seek out help, psychologists, endocrinologists, and many others.  There was step between those, although not consciously ...

We had to give ourselves permission.   This ultimate act of self love. 

<trigger alert>

In my case, I gave myself one year.  Not one year to transition,  that is not truly possible, especially when you are ancient like me.

No one year to show real changes from where I was.  I hot a real low spot, and stopped fighting.  Actually I started fighting ... fighting to give Sonya a chance to live.

But this one event, this act of kindness to someone trying to be born ... giving her permission started a chain event.

She took this permission and started making "his" live, hers ... mine.

She cleaned house ...

- no more wearing black AMD t-shirts all the time
- change your diet (you slob), this is my body now
- get a NEW music collection ... living on 80s rock and some 90s metal not acceptable
- get off the chair, watching television
- exercise, socialize, get involved
- get a decent pair of jeans and show off this ass
-above all, wear a f*cking helmet, things are going to get interesting!

My gf is noticing changes.  She is kinda weirded out at the unique sounds coming out of my speakers (actually, even the cats are freaking out *giggles).  My room is a mess, bras air-drying, the clothes a a small rainbow of colous (and growing when I can).

I have been vegan since late May (ok 98% vegan, I was naughty and made a large pasta & tuna salad during our heatwave -did not want to cook in that).  Even my first tounge is coming back (French was my main language til grade 5) after decades of non-usage.

Above all .....

I am finally realizing how to feel happy!

I can see a bright future ahead ... and am more than ready.

It's amazing what giving and recieving permission can do ... 

Oh, my one year was October 14, 2012 (my 42nd birthday) ... I think I already have exceeded any hope, dream or expectation ....and you know what hunties ... I ain't done yet!

Here's your life ....

I never realized that hrt aand transitioning can give you a different insite.  Recently I have been meditating,  a form of pain contol, but also to centre myself  after a frustrating event or few hours.  Often, during this relaxed state, I get flooded with images, sequences, events and sometimes mere moments in time.   I can see my past  with different eyes, since I am the observer watching the film unfold.  Sometimes - if lucky - I can see a different ending to this moment, something else I could have done, a different action ...and I get breif glimpses of what might have been.

I know it is much too late to change things, and most I would leave alone.   I am a stong believer in history repeating itself, and I can definitely see some patterns.

Now, if I can just remember what to change, what not to, and to brace myself for the consequences,  I will finally make some real emotional progress.