Reviewing my game plan ... one year later

Something I wrote my birthday, last year (2012) ... took time to review it on Oct. 14th - one year later. 

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It was a lot easier as Sean .. I knew who I was (roles, not really me) and what was expected.  Right now, often, I feel lost.  I know where I want to be, but as each day passes, it seems further away.  Sometimes, more than I should, I toss myself into something (a stupid game, web browsing, reading other people's lives and such) just to hide away from dealing, and that night I feel, rightly so, there's another day wasted.

I have to put foot down, with self mainly, and say THIS IS THE PRIORITY!

I have a tonne of nail polish, yet my nails are "nude."

I have to go through my wardrobe and figure out what fits, what works and what I need.

I need to practice make up so I don't look like a clown

Reduce current meds, clear head - ability to focus.

I have to capture moments like this, so I have my thoughts captured.  I do this blogging,  vlog, essays, photo documentation ... and now that I figured out how - audio dictation.

I have to get my ass off Facebook and use my guides and tools instead of catching up on Arrow or Storage Wars.

I have to put the games away and use them as rewards rather than something to do all day.

I have to eat and take pills, instead of a 90 minute breakfast over 2 CSIs.

I have to get my fat ass to the gym and do something about it ... I am paying for it to use more than 1 to 2 times a month!

I have to stay ahead of appointments and such ...  not scramble at last minute.

I have to plan my days ... having a 1 hour appointment in 24 hours leaves 14 hours to do other stuffs.

When I can't figure something out, I find someone and ask, rather than follow link after link and be topics that have nothing to do with problem at hand.

GET RID OF ALL THE TRASH ON MY DESK - IF YOU CAN'T FIND SOMETHING YOU JUST SET DOWN, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Catch up and stay current on house work.

I have to look at this when I wake up and not sure what to do in morning while breakfast.

ADD TO THIS AS NECESSARY.

Essentially, seize the day, every day, all day ... do this, not for Sean, do it for Sonya.

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*Of course I wrote this just before I messed up my arm so guess I will have to readjust to match current situation

First page ... [a brief intro] (was actually written in March ... dunno why never got published ... *sigh)

Welcome

This is my first Blog ... first * released one anyways * I have tried this before had have trashed them all because – well I didn't think they were worth anything ...

I figured out what to do. I will do this video after/during or after being creative - working with paint, clay or otherwise so I am in the right head space. Here it goes ...

I read and heard intros that are along the lines of “My name is Sonya and I am trans gender. “ It sounds like a first step meeting or or admitting that you have a problem. I admit that there is a problem . . . but a casual meeting discussing my past will not make things all better.

Actually I want to document WHO I am, why I am and my progress.

Who am I?

Back in high school – in 1989 - I lived art (and alcohol) and thought I would never lose that ... never.

Then I went to college, met some one ... and for something I will discuss later – I was forced to stop painting.

It is now 2013, I never really painted again ... 

I guess this is a bit of a New Years Resolution ...

I WILL BE ME

I will do what I need to do - to be me

I will make the changes I need to – to be me

I will go where I need to – to be me

Before the holidays I contacted CAMH – to make sure that I am still on the list (I hate not hearing from someone in like forever – and Suzzane @ Gender Identity Clinic mentioned that the wait is like 14 months ... and since the date of application acceptance was - - I can hear from then around Late February to early March THIS YEAR ... I can't wait.

I know there are under “new rules” but this will be my initial accessment. My family Doctor is very hesitant to start ANYTHING – even when I told him I was starting laser hair removal, he was “are you sure?” It is difficult because I am going in over drive – until I go to the his office, then I hit the brakes and I feel like *sheet

That will change I hope, especially once I get the “heads up” from CAMH (I hope they give him a hint about Hormone Therapy)

Who am I? I am artist, I am a poet, I have strong views on certain topics, and I am a transgendered woman!

I WILL have more videos. More about me, more about my progress.

Thanks for watching ... Subscribe and check back because the best is yet to come!
Link to VLOG version ... careful poor quality ...

Boob Fairy ... *giggles

As mentioned in my 60 Days message ... the "breast fairy" seems to be visiting occasionally *blush

I have been noticing that strange "itching" feeling, which I am guessing is the skin stretching and a small, firming mass.  I have been noticing this "something" happening over a week ago, but thought it might be "in my mind", but this is becoming more and more evident - that instead of being mental/hoping/expectations  (actually it is happening foot or so further south, more in the breast area *giggles) ... I guess the ride is starting and the progesterone is kicking in (been on P for 7 wks? - started 28th June/13).

I actually find wearing a bra comfortable during ... where before getting by with a t-shirt or blouse would be fine.   All positive changes  :)

I know if this is happening now, my next month update ... OMG my 3 months on E & blockers and 2 on Prog. ...should be an interesting one  =)

Painting ...

I was ... in another life ... a "professional" artist ... that being I had showings and sold pieces ...

That ended 1990 ....

Almost 22 years to the season, I have put paint on canvas on a project that has been very close to me ... I am attempting to re-create a piece that was one of the last pieces that I finished then ... and perhaps a painting that I miss the most - it meant a lot.

Wayy back then, I was very ... perhaps "eclectic" might be a good word, perhaps one of the few areas I could be introverted ... I closed doors, locking myself in with basics - way too much alcohol, a bit of food, oh yea candles ... LOTS of music ...  and 3 days or so later would come out ... with 3-4 finished pieces, and writings (poetry) ... it was VERY rewarding ... I had no real sense of time ... just me.

A lot has changed since ... but here is what I am doing.

Manet's Races at Longchamp:

I took a small section ...

"blocked it" so I could plan the work on canvas ...

and then started it ....

adding first colour ...

--Work as of 15 Aug 2013

I work with pointillism ... hundreds, thousands of individual dots of blurred colour (looks really bad up-close, meant to be viewed from a distance).  I usually do a few layers, just to make sure the colour is "just right" ....

I will update as project continues ...

Just finished - new hair colouring

Looks great, plus learned a lot about how to fix it and what I was doing wrong in past ....

Hair colouring ...

At salon .... looks great so far!