5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

Changes in Personality ....?

Does HRT change your personality?  Can our blockers and core hormones change who we are as a being?

I see videos telling us that we will be the same person.  Hormones can not make us a different person!

Or can they?

Of course transmen or genderfluid using male hormones will get (as far as I know), bursts of assertiveness, that "little something" that was similar to steroids in those young teen boys which "way too much testosterone".  In transwomen, you take that away or reduce it and we go from "raging bull" to beatnick ... ok I jest, but we loose some of our agressive nature.

Could anything else be happening?

This is not a side effect of HRT, but an advantage of taking that leap.  This leap does not have to be staring 'mones, it could be pressing your previous limitations (I am thing of our CD girls, ones that many not be interested in transitioning fully - but do bloom when possible).  I had to start making major changes, many of were or are like that.

But needing was not enough, you had to seek out help, psychologists, endocrinologists, and many others.  There was step between those, although not consciously ...

We had to give ourselves permission.   This ultimate act of self love. 

<trigger alert>

In my case, I gave myself one year.  Not one year to transition,  that is not truly possible, especially when you are ancient like me.

No one year to show real changes from where I was.  I hot a real low spot, and stopped fighting.  Actually I started fighting ... fighting to give Sonya a chance to live.

But this one event, this act of kindness to someone trying to be born ... giving her permission started a chain event.

She took this permission and started making "his" live, hers ... mine.

She cleaned house ...

- no more wearing black AMD t-shirts all the time
- change your diet (you slob), this is my body now
- get a NEW music collection ... living on 80s rock and some 90s metal not acceptable
- get off the chair, watching television
- exercise, socialize, get involved
- get a decent pair of jeans and show off this ass
-above all, wear a f*cking helmet, things are going to get interesting!

My gf is noticing changes.  She is kinda weirded out at the unique sounds coming out of my speakers (actually, even the cats are freaking out *giggles).  My room is a mess, bras air-drying, the clothes a a small rainbow of colous (and growing when I can).

I have been vegan since late May (ok 98% vegan, I was naughty and made a large pasta & tuna salad during our heatwave -did not want to cook in that).  Even my first tounge is coming back (French was my main language til grade 5) after decades of non-usage.

Above all .....

I am finally realizing how to feel happy!

I can see a bright future ahead ... and am more than ready.

It's amazing what giving and recieving permission can do ... 

Oh, my one year was October 14, 2012 (my 42nd birthday) ... I think I already have exceeded any hope, dream or expectation ....and you know what hunties ... I ain't done yet!

Top of the world!

Just got hard copy of endocrinologist letter so I can change my pesky m to a full fledged F!

I knew fhis was on route quite a few days ago, but to have it in my hands is a different situation. Affirmation,  confidence,  general peacefulness, satisfaction and hope - all contained in one letter.  One small envelope holds much more than just it's typed words.  I am being recognized for who I felt ... I knew I was.

No matter how many times I denied it in past, no more.  I am in doctor's office for an adjustment and grinning from ear to ear.

Today started out mediocre after a poor night's sleep, but seems to hold sooo much potential all the sudden ....

Heading to Family doctor

Loootttssss to update him on .... soo much has changed.

Started HRT, official name change, asking him to sign off on my "change of gender" paperwork. I lost a smaal person in weight (getting official weigh-in) and have small (perky?) breasts .... (perky at 42 yrs old is pretty good :) ).

Also talking aboug "big D", "Deep Russian", ... what ever cutesy name hou want to tag on it .... DEPRESSION.  Chronic disability, loss of work, loss of "identity" (not name change or transitioning, but rather lack of being productive ... relying on help to get by month to month).  How the vain have fallen.

I worked /only/ for top IT companies,.  If you were a headhunter in Toronto or Denver (and a few other courting places), you knew my name and wanted me on your teams.  Sure my head was swollen, but I had amazing numbers to back it up (success rates,  closed rates,        hen used my money to start my own company ... my retirement/transitioning nest egg.   Back blew, lost everything..... and was devastated.  You might hear it in my voice, I never fully recovered from that blow.  10 years passed and I am finally starting.

Updated name (wooo hooo), even got him to sign off on documentation for gender marker change!

Pretty successful,  but I am seeing he is wayyyyy out of his comfort base and with me (his secretary is even more strange about it).  I asked for a blood work request, so I could get a "snapshot" on how things are doing, and he had no clue what to ask for.  Looks like I have to wait til my next endo appointment.

On way there and back, cab driver (I had licence pulled because of morphine) was great - 'ladies', correct pronouns and all ... even if problem with name discrepancy on billing info - "you don't look much like a Sean").

Pretty good day, but it was a draining week - too many appointments too close together.

Finding Sonya ... other words, how I came out to myself ...

Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)

Letter sent to "syndicated sex columnist" Sasha Van BonBon from Toronto EyeWeekly/The Grid's "Love Bites"
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Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)

 I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this? 

-- GENDER BENDER

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[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]

After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.

I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.

I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …

I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time.  I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world.  Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately.  But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.

Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself.  Each town would be different.  In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft.  All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie.  I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.

Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape.  Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived).  Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.

I freed myself of an abusive relationship.  I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me.  It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do.  I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into.  Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have.  Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter.  I thank the gods I did not catch anything.

IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie.  I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day.  Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural.  BEING THEMSELVES.  Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.

By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.

That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003.   I returned to Sudbury.  I was going to live my life for me.  Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices.  I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar.  I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.

Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin.  Another phase of my life gone.  I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me.  Looking at the fool I made of myself again.    (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)

Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.

Her openness is refreshing.  This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition.  Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,

It was here I was introduced to Sonya.

Changes, changes, changes ... [what the **bleep** did none of my posts get published? this is from 11 June, 2013]

BIGGEST CHANGE ...

I am on HRT!!

I started my first dose on Tuesday the 11th (June).  I went to SOFT (Southern Ontario Fertility Clinic) in London, ON.  Accompanied by Michelle Boyce from Alphabet Community Centre (London's Trans support group, acclondon.com).

The appointment was NOT stressful, very accepting and extremely supportive!  Michelle is a fierce advocate and an incredible friend.

ok ... back to what happened ...

LOL ... ok, back to ACC first ...

Our health care teams have developed new hormone products and techniques that aid in faster more complete medical hormonal transition. Only developed in London these techniques have been in place since 2007 providing medical transition in 8-15months on average instead of the 3 years on former methods of hormone replacement. Fundamental to the HRT process here is the nasal spray which virtually stops the body from producing any natural hormones. This is used in both the M-F and F-M spectrums of transition. At this point the body is a clean hormonal slate where traditional Testosterone or Estrogen/Progesterone can be introduced without competing hormones.

-- http://acclondon.com/transhealth.php

So essentially I am on HRT ... accelerated?  time will tell ...

So I am on Estrace - no big surprise, and will be on Prometrium in a few weeks (no effective during first dozen or more doses of blocker anyways).  The controversial part is SupreFact (Buserlin Acetate), a nasal spray that is the blocker.  What does it block?  Everything!  Estrogen, Testesterone, the hormones

Supporting Letter coming ...

Wooo Hooo ... my "supporting letter" is coming through today (actually it came through, but some info was wrong) ... next stop (once hard copy arrives) is to change via Birth Certificate office!

I am literally ... shaking .... 

now just waiting for hard copy to arrive :)

I am having a triple A day

I know that people usually post a "Hi, I am ..." post first, but this just happened and I don't want to forget the mood ...

I was at the local Y having a decent workout (short today 30 min on cycle and proposed 30 min on treadmill) and I was trying to work on a work-out/fitness app on my tablet when a reminder pop-up occurred:

[Saturday] "2pm TFam @ party room"

TFam is the local trans & ally support group that I was just notified of a few weeks ago (3March).  Since they are bi-monthly, I haven't been to a group yet.

I stopped ... cold

Returned to my walking, I started to think during my cool down.  Thinking can be scary, especially if your mind is a dark place ...

Approval - We all need social approval but the more limited your circle the more the possibility a chance of more global acceptance  - O.K., global is a bit much, well if just a few persons - it seems to effect (warm?) certain parts of self.  (o.k., enough with warm and fuzzy LOL).

Apprehension -  In the simplest terms, Crash 'n Burn.  The fears of being called out, being read (and it devastate you), abandonment, pain and soo much more.  Every time I put on make-up, wear a bra, become who I am, feel the way I want to feel - every time I put myself out there .... I feel like I am not good enough. 

Anxiety - I guess it goes hand-in-hand with apprehension.  Years ago, I had been diagnosed with situational depression (essentially my situation is causing my depression).  Transitioning helps remove part of my situation, I no longer have to lie to myself ... BUT when I look in the mirror I .... I really don't know how to explain it.  Chin hairs are glaring at me - without going through the list, trust me I really don't feel like I could pass to anyone ...

and not passing makes me apprehensive about meeting people ... and even if I do meet people (allies and brothers and sisters), will I be socially accepted/approved?

It is a vicious circle ... and it is very emotionally draining.

Now I am in another such loop about writing and publishing this ... *rolls eyes.

Any ways, I will be going tomorrow.  I will meet new friends and allies.  I will look my best (at least for now *giggle), and I know I have the strength of my current friends backing me.  For this I am very thankful.

I am going to take a deep breath, hit publish, take a hot bath and relax for a bit.  Also, after I get the realisation that I actually published my first blog post and my world didn't collapse - I might work on all the others that I have been writing snippets of and hid away.