Part of my learning experience ... Growing Pains

I have a huge but strange favour ...

I need your help and patience.  I need to migrate from using "Sonya" to Jacquelyn.

It is incredibly hard to explain, and doesn't really make sense on a strictly rational level.  Recently, I have been dealing with many identity issues, dealing with splitting off and seperating from the "negative voices" of the past.  Sadly enough, recently A few times I have heard my name and connecting it to "his."

For the longest time I never thought much about names.  I was very emotionally disconnected.  Names, especially mind, never really meant anything to me - apathy, dissaciation with "labels" given me by people who are long in my past and have no bearing on who I am, even really who I was for the past 20 years ... other than haunting me.  This is a chance to step away from past shadows, to finally accept who I am, to finally start my life.

Not sure if it is hormones talking or the realization who I am and that my life is finally starting.

I am not trying to be difficult to confuse ... I know that many found the whole transition idea difficult.

Sorry about rambling ... this has been a while trying to figure out how to say this ... it feels strange, it doesn't make sense to me ... but it is part of growing, part of figuring out who I really am.

All part of my learning experience.

Here's your life ....

I never realized that hrt aand transitioning can give you a different insite.  Recently I have been meditating,  a form of pain contol, but also to centre myself  after a frustrating event or few hours.  Often, during this relaxed state, I get flooded with images, sequences, events and sometimes mere moments in time.   I can see my past  with different eyes, since I am the observer watching the film unfold.  Sometimes - if lucky - I can see a different ending to this moment, something else I could have done, a different action ...and I get breif glimpses of what might have been.

I know it is much too late to change things, and most I would leave alone.   I am a stong believer in history repeating itself, and I can definitely see some patterns.

Now, if I can just remember what to change, what not to, and to brace myself for the consequences,  I will finally make some real emotional progress.