5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

CAMH on Friday ...

CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly.  I really don't know what to expect.  I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any  payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...

scare???

Definitely!

This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning.  My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.

      

Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus.  I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants.  I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.

Fingers crossed ... wish me luck?  I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days.  I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.

Hormones & CAMH

Help?
Some background on my situation.  In Ontario, Canada, CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) used to deal with anything trans, but recently they have decentralized, giving family doctors control of their patients' health, and they will deal with approving surgeries and such.

My family doctor is very hesitant, dragging his heals on anything relating to trans (I am currently looking for a new Dr, but few are taking new patients in my province (Canada)), so he won't do anything until CAMH gives diagnosis and gives him guidelines for hrt and such (I even went in all excited about starting laser hair removal and he said "are you sure" - all serious and dis approving).

I am 42, and I am very sure (I originally came out over 6 years ago, but other problems (damaged back (still dealing with) came up that delayed possible CAMH at that time).  OK back to the point, I am with in weeks of my CAMH call (I sent my evaluation package in ~Jan of last year, wait is 12-14 months).  A dear friend of my knows my situation (and frustration) and (due to a pharmacy mix up) could "hooke me up" with a few months worth of low/entry dosage Estrace.

I have read risks, pluses and negatives and everything for over a year, and every day without a phone call is very frustrating.  Even after I get the appointments and such, there is the further delays of evaluation and paperwork (I don't think I would walk out of the mental heath's clinic with a 'script).

Sorry I really didn't mean to ramble on, but I would sincerely appreciate any and all thoughts (except of course for the ones of "your sooo evil for even considering" - I have been giving myself that speech for the last day or so *sigh)

Do you think I am going to "screw" my self up with CAMH if I started self-medicating?  Should I just wait? ... thinking and reaching out for ideas  ;S