Reviewing my game plan ... one year later

Something I wrote my birthday, last year (2012) ... took time to review it on Oct. 14th - one year later. 

---------------------------------------------------

It was a lot easier as Sean .. I knew who I was (roles, not really me) and what was expected.  Right now, often, I feel lost.  I know where I want to be, but as each day passes, it seems further away.  Sometimes, more than I should, I toss myself into something (a stupid game, web browsing, reading other people's lives and such) just to hide away from dealing, and that night I feel, rightly so, there's another day wasted.

I have to put foot down, with self mainly, and say THIS IS THE PRIORITY!

I have a tonne of nail polish, yet my nails are "nude."

I have to go through my wardrobe and figure out what fits, what works and what I need.

I need to practice make up so I don't look like a clown

Reduce current meds, clear head - ability to focus.

I have to capture moments like this, so I have my thoughts captured.  I do this blogging,  vlog, essays, photo documentation ... and now that I figured out how - audio dictation.

I have to get my ass off Facebook and use my guides and tools instead of catching up on Arrow or Storage Wars.

I have to put the games away and use them as rewards rather than something to do all day.

I have to eat and take pills, instead of a 90 minute breakfast over 2 CSIs.

I have to get my fat ass to the gym and do something about it ... I am paying for it to use more than 1 to 2 times a month!

I have to stay ahead of appointments and such ...  not scramble at last minute.

I have to plan my days ... having a 1 hour appointment in 24 hours leaves 14 hours to do other stuffs.

When I can't figure something out, I find someone and ask, rather than follow link after link and be topics that have nothing to do with problem at hand.

GET RID OF ALL THE TRASH ON MY DESK - IF YOU CAN'T FIND SOMETHING YOU JUST SET DOWN, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Catch up and stay current on house work.

I have to look at this when I wake up and not sure what to do in morning while breakfast.

ADD TO THIS AS NECESSARY.

Essentially, seize the day, every day, all day ... do this, not for Sean, do it for Sonya.

-----------------------

*Of course I wrote this just before I messed up my arm so guess I will have to readjust to match current situation

Heading to Family doctor

Loootttssss to update him on .... soo much has changed.

Started HRT, official name change, asking him to sign off on my "change of gender" paperwork. I lost a smaal person in weight (getting official weigh-in) and have small (perky?) breasts .... (perky at 42 yrs old is pretty good :) ).

Also talking aboug "big D", "Deep Russian", ... what ever cutesy name hou want to tag on it .... DEPRESSION.  Chronic disability, loss of work, loss of "identity" (not name change or transitioning, but rather lack of being productive ... relying on help to get by month to month).  How the vain have fallen.

I worked /only/ for top IT companies,.  If you were a headhunter in Toronto or Denver (and a few other courting places), you knew my name and wanted me on your teams.  Sure my head was swollen, but I had amazing numbers to back it up (success rates,  closed rates,        hen used my money to start my own company ... my retirement/transitioning nest egg.   Back blew, lost everything..... and was devastated.  You might hear it in my voice, I never fully recovered from that blow.  10 years passed and I am finally starting.

Updated name (wooo hooo), even got him to sign off on documentation for gender marker change!

Pretty successful,  but I am seeing he is wayyyyy out of his comfort base and with me (his secretary is even more strange about it).  I asked for a blood work request, so I could get a "snapshot" on how things are doing, and he had no clue what to ask for.  Looks like I have to wait til my next endo appointment.

On way there and back, cab driver (I had licence pulled because of morphine) was great - 'ladies', correct pronouns and all ... even if problem with name discrepancy on billing info - "you don't look much like a Sean").

Pretty good day, but it was a draining week - too many appointments too close together.

Finding Sonya ... other words, how I came out to myself ...

Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)

Letter sent to "syndicated sex columnist" Sasha Van BonBon from Toronto EyeWeekly/The Grid's "Love Bites"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)

 I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this? 

-- GENDER BENDER

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]

After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.

I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.

I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …

I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time.  I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world.  Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately.  But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.

Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself.  Each town would be different.  In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft.  All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie.  I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.

Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape.  Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived).  Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.

I freed myself of an abusive relationship.  I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me.  It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do.  I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into.  Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have.  Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter.  I thank the gods I did not catch anything.

IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie.  I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day.  Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural.  BEING THEMSELVES.  Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.

By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.

That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003.   I returned to Sudbury.  I was going to live my life for me.  Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices.  I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar.  I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.

Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin.  Another phase of my life gone.  I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me.  Looking at the fool I made of myself again.    (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)

Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.

Her openness is refreshing.  This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition.  Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,

It was here I was introduced to Sonya.

60 days! (ok just over ... this is a bit late - technical problems)

On June 11th, I started HRT,  making it just over 2 months now ...

Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening.  about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side.  Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs?  I think so.  Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles

For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs.  The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.

I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes.  I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease).  Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.

For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.

A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon.  I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts.  I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."

Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy.  I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...

Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's.  I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition.  And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.

I am, also starting a phase that I feared.  many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now.  The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT.  I don't see anything happening yet.  I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes.  my neck is still huge, facially still same.  I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early).  This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.

Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development.  I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head.  I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles

There is soooo much more to explore ... experience.  I am VERY early still.  just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...

(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).

Leaky ...

I just finished reading a post on Brooke Addison's Transbliss.com   and I just had to write the woman involved ...

In the past few years I have been hardened ... ok perhaps more than a few years ... I rarely cry, rarely show emotion ... perhaps too many years of lying to myself and others, I had to close off parts of myself ...

During the reading I had to send "Mary" a thank you letter (below) and I just noticed that I am fighting back tears as I am typing.  Trust me ... this is NOT something I am used to, infact I put my self in emotional locations in my past to get a reaction .... and nothing.

I guess the HRT is working ... (grabbing another tissue) ... I haven't been posting or vlogging recently, mainly because I am getting more and more frustrated ... but recently I KNOW something has been changing ... I have started painting again, and will post updates on that page ... but I guess this is one of the true proofs that something is happening ... that Sonya is becoming alive ... and she is taking control.

I just read your "Grieving a child who is still alive" on Transbliss.com (Brooke Addison's site) and needed to thank you.  Not only for your acceptance of Chris, but also how you are trying to help others.  

I am a transitioning late in life (42), I lost my birth mother over 2 years (she never had a chance to meet Sonya) and I haven't seen or heard from my adopted parents since I was 18 ... and I know they would not want too ...

For all of us out there without parents as strong and loving as you ... thank you soo much.

~Sonya

 I will be working more on this ... trust me, I have a few posts dying to get out ...

I am having a triple A day

I know that people usually post a "Hi, I am ..." post first, but this just happened and I don't want to forget the mood ...

I was at the local Y having a decent workout (short today 30 min on cycle and proposed 30 min on treadmill) and I was trying to work on a work-out/fitness app on my tablet when a reminder pop-up occurred:

[Saturday] "2pm TFam @ party room"

TFam is the local trans & ally support group that I was just notified of a few weeks ago (3March).  Since they are bi-monthly, I haven't been to a group yet.

I stopped ... cold

Returned to my walking, I started to think during my cool down.  Thinking can be scary, especially if your mind is a dark place ...

Approval - We all need social approval but the more limited your circle the more the possibility a chance of more global acceptance  - O.K., global is a bit much, well if just a few persons - it seems to effect (warm?) certain parts of self.  (o.k., enough with warm and fuzzy LOL).

Apprehension -  In the simplest terms, Crash 'n Burn.  The fears of being called out, being read (and it devastate you), abandonment, pain and soo much more.  Every time I put on make-up, wear a bra, become who I am, feel the way I want to feel - every time I put myself out there .... I feel like I am not good enough. 

Anxiety - I guess it goes hand-in-hand with apprehension.  Years ago, I had been diagnosed with situational depression (essentially my situation is causing my depression).  Transitioning helps remove part of my situation, I no longer have to lie to myself ... BUT when I look in the mirror I .... I really don't know how to explain it.  Chin hairs are glaring at me - without going through the list, trust me I really don't feel like I could pass to anyone ...

and not passing makes me apprehensive about meeting people ... and even if I do meet people (allies and brothers and sisters), will I be socially accepted/approved?

It is a vicious circle ... and it is very emotionally draining.

Now I am in another such loop about writing and publishing this ... *rolls eyes.

Any ways, I will be going tomorrow.  I will meet new friends and allies.  I will look my best (at least for now *giggle), and I know I have the strength of my current friends backing me.  For this I am very thankful.

I am going to take a deep breath, hit publish, take a hot bath and relax for a bit.  Also, after I get the realisation that I actually published my first blog post and my world didn't collapse - I might work on all the others that I have been writing snippets of and hid away.