Part of my learning experience ... Growing Pains

I have a huge but strange favour ...

I need your help and patience.  I need to migrate from using "Sonya" to Jacquelyn.

It is incredibly hard to explain, and doesn't really make sense on a strictly rational level.  Recently, I have been dealing with many identity issues, dealing with splitting off and seperating from the "negative voices" of the past.  Sadly enough, recently A few times I have heard my name and connecting it to "his."

For the longest time I never thought much about names.  I was very emotionally disconnected.  Names, especially mind, never really meant anything to me - apathy, dissaciation with "labels" given me by people who are long in my past and have no bearing on who I am, even really who I was for the past 20 years ... other than haunting me.  This is a chance to step away from past shadows, to finally accept who I am, to finally start my life.

Not sure if it is hormones talking or the realization who I am and that my life is finally starting.

I am not trying to be difficult to confuse ... I know that many found the whole transition idea difficult.

Sorry about rambling ... this has been a while trying to figure out how to say this ... it feels strange, it doesn't make sense to me ... but it is part of growing, part of figuring out who I really am.

All part of my learning experience.

5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

Finding Sonya ... other words, how I came out to myself ...

Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)

Letter sent to "syndicated sex columnist" Sasha Van BonBon from Toronto EyeWeekly/The Grid's "Love Bites"
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Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)

 I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this? 

-- GENDER BENDER

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[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]

After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.

I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.

I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …

I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time.  I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world.  Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately.  But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.

Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself.  Each town would be different.  In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft.  All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie.  I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.

Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape.  Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived).  Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.

I freed myself of an abusive relationship.  I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me.  It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do.  I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into.  Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have.  Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter.  I thank the gods I did not catch anything.

IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie.  I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day.  Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural.  BEING THEMSELVES.  Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.

By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.

That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003.   I returned to Sudbury.  I was going to live my life for me.  Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices.  I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar.  I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.

Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin.  Another phase of my life gone.  I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me.  Looking at the fool I made of myself again.    (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)

Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.

Her openness is refreshing.  This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition.  Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,

It was here I was introduced to Sonya.

Changes, changes, changes ... [what the **bleep** did none of my posts get published? this is from 11 June, 2013]

BIGGEST CHANGE ...

I am on HRT!!

I started my first dose on Tuesday the 11th (June).  I went to SOFT (Southern Ontario Fertility Clinic) in London, ON.  Accompanied by Michelle Boyce from Alphabet Community Centre (London's Trans support group, acclondon.com).

The appointment was NOT stressful, very accepting and extremely supportive!  Michelle is a fierce advocate and an incredible friend.

ok ... back to what happened ...

LOL ... ok, back to ACC first ...

Our health care teams have developed new hormone products and techniques that aid in faster more complete medical hormonal transition. Only developed in London these techniques have been in place since 2007 providing medical transition in 8-15months on average instead of the 3 years on former methods of hormone replacement. Fundamental to the HRT process here is the nasal spray which virtually stops the body from producing any natural hormones. This is used in both the M-F and F-M spectrums of transition. At this point the body is a clean hormonal slate where traditional Testosterone or Estrogen/Progesterone can be introduced without competing hormones.

-- http://acclondon.com/transhealth.php

So essentially I am on HRT ... accelerated?  time will tell ...

So I am on Estrace - no big surprise, and will be on Prometrium in a few weeks (no effective during first dozen or more doses of blocker anyways).  The controversial part is SupreFact (Buserlin Acetate), a nasal spray that is the blocker.  What does it block?  Everything!  Estrogen, Testesterone, the hormones

60 days! (ok just over ... this is a bit late - technical problems)

On June 11th, I started HRT,  making it just over 2 months now ...

Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening.  about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side.  Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs?  I think so.  Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles

For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs.  The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.

I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes.  I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease).  Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.

For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.

A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon.  I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts.  I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."

Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy.  I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...

Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's.  I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition.  And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.

I am, also starting a phase that I feared.  many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now.  The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT.  I don't see anything happening yet.  I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes.  my neck is still huge, facially still same.  I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early).  This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.

Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development.  I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head.  I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles

There is soooo much more to explore ... experience.  I am VERY early still.  just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...

(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).

CAMH on Friday ...

CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly.  I really don't know what to expect.  I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any  payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...

scare???

Definitely!

This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning.  My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.

      

Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus.  I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants.  I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.

Fingers crossed ... wish me luck?  I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days.  I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.

I hate mirrors ....

dys·pho·ri·a

noun Pathology .
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 
1835–45;  < Neo-Latin  < Greek dysphoría  malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys-dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia

[dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] 

"State of dissatisfaction"??
When I look in a mirror, I see a stranger, a familar one - but one that haunts me.

A friend's (ftm) vlog said something to the extent of:

...When I look in the mirror I saw a masculine version of myself.  My brain picked apart bits and pieces of what it could relate to and then filled or fabricated everything else to create an image of what my internal perception of myself was. ... 

When he saw himself then, he could see who he was really, and looking back he was shocked at how "feminine" he really looked compared to X months on T.

Unfortunately I am the opposite.  I look in the mirror and see EVERY flaw.  From 1990 (when I went to university) to now, I only have a small handful of pics or photos.  Some lost, most destroyed because of what I kept seeing.  Even now, trying to document my "changes", I have to resist the urge to just hit delete, rather than resize & save.

Watch out - boring, self defeating text follows ....

No matter how much I shave, I can still see facial hair - the same hair I used to hide behind when I was proving that I was who I tried to be.

Don't worry, I am not going to go into all my flaws - I would literally be here alll night.

Even mentally ... there is a battle going on.  I am going to touch on that in another post.

I know "It does get better" ... I see it when I see the ones  before me who have changed their life,but WILL I see it? How long will it take before I am comfortable in looking in the mirror?  How long til "smiles" for photos are real?

Just thinking out loud I guess ... I am hoping putting my thoughts on paper, instead of having them fester inside of me will be a form of self healing ...

It's 5am and I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep - my cpap machine's alarms went off, telling me I died again and to wake up and do something about it - so I am not sure if I am going go lay back down or to start working on another post ... perhaps just start it .... *yawn.