As mentioned in my 60 Days message ... the "breast fairy" seems to be visiting occasionally *blush
I have been noticing that strange "itching" feeling, which I am guessing is the skin stretching and a small, firming mass. I have been noticing this "something" happening over a week ago, but thought it might be "in my mind", but this is becoming more and more evident - that instead of being mental/hoping/expectations (actually it is happening foot or so further south, more in the breast area *giggles) ... I guess the ride is starting and the progesterone is kicking in (been on P for 7 wks? - started 28th June/13).
I actually find wearing a bra comfortable during ... where before getting by with a t-shirt or blouse would be fine. All positive changes :)
I know if this is happening now, my next month update ... OMG my 3 months on E & blockers and 2 on Prog. ...should be an interesting one =)
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Thoughts on Art
Sonya has always been an artist.
While following male mode, she was lead a stray with computers, technology ... but did so as a teacher or support - helping people calm down in sometimes worse day of life: student losing paper, companies down because of technical issues, that sort of thing. but the more she got into technology, the more she lost herself. due to back injury and meds, my life has changed.
I have been out of the game sooo long, I know I'll never be able to catch up - it has been 10 years since I lost my company. I don't want to go back though ... constantly changing tech can be difficult to grasp, and since I did it all (laptops, computers, servers, thin-stations, Internet, and even consumer interfaces - drivers for cameras and such). I'll always be part geek, hey all our computers run Linux variants, but it won't be my life, again.
I went too long without creating anything creative. Websites were to a point, but I didn't WYSIWYG (graphical), I coded it, back end with a text editor ,,, not creative. with my injury and high meds, I was a zombie, for years ... had to make some difficult life choices, shake off a lot of stuff, but I started to regain my life.
I started small, exploring with "nail art" (a few people actually look forward to my new looks) outrageous make up designs (Pride eyes) ... all starting to wake up the right side of my brain.
Recently my mind has been going places it hasn't in decades ... seeing images I NEED to get out, techniques I have never used, styles of works I have never considered .... days (8.8.13) I started painting ... again. seriously, with purpose, not forced or coerced, for the first-time since I started university in 1990! Sonya.Artist is waking up and fulfilling her destiny. As Sean in teens, she was an early accomplished painter and multi media creator - not computers, but incorporating unique items like actual strings in a painting of a Spanish guitar ... could actually be strummed.
I have one project I MUST do ... a recreation of a piece that was one of last I did in old life ... actual painting done with Q-tips/pointillism of a Manet painting. my old one was huge (feet by feet) this one is more reasonable and off to decent start (planned, blocked and starting painting). it has to be done in layers, overlying features of the landscape (my paintings are rarely flat), where the grass and hill meets the sky, there is a slightest change in physical depth of Paint, and as I work down - people, fence, horse and riders, all slightly higher than the previous layer ... should be interested. I am still hampered by back pain ... it has actually kept me away from the canvas in past few days ... but that just means I have to work smarter ... and keep the fire kindled.
While following male mode, she was lead a stray with computers, technology ... but did so as a teacher or support - helping people calm down in sometimes worse day of life: student losing paper, companies down because of technical issues, that sort of thing. but the more she got into technology, the more she lost herself. due to back injury and meds, my life has changed.
I have been out of the game sooo long, I know I'll never be able to catch up - it has been 10 years since I lost my company. I don't want to go back though ... constantly changing tech can be difficult to grasp, and since I did it all (laptops, computers, servers, thin-stations, Internet, and even consumer interfaces - drivers for cameras and such). I'll always be part geek, hey all our computers run Linux variants, but it won't be my life, again.
I went too long without creating anything creative. Websites were to a point, but I didn't WYSIWYG (graphical), I coded it, back end with a text editor ,,, not creative. with my injury and high meds, I was a zombie, for years ... had to make some difficult life choices, shake off a lot of stuff, but I started to regain my life.
I started small, exploring with "nail art" (a few people actually look forward to my new looks) outrageous make up designs (Pride eyes) ... all starting to wake up the right side of my brain.
Recently my mind has been going places it hasn't in decades ... seeing images I NEED to get out, techniques I have never used, styles of works I have never considered .... days (8.8.13) I started painting ... again. seriously, with purpose, not forced or coerced, for the first-time since I started university in 1990! Sonya.Artist is waking up and fulfilling her destiny. As Sean in teens, she was an early accomplished painter and multi media creator - not computers, but incorporating unique items like actual strings in a painting of a Spanish guitar ... could actually be strummed.
I have one project I MUST do ... a recreation of a piece that was one of last I did in old life ... actual painting done with Q-tips/pointillism of a Manet painting. my old one was huge (feet by feet) this one is more reasonable and off to decent start (planned, blocked and starting painting). it has to be done in layers, overlying features of the landscape (my paintings are rarely flat), where the grass and hill meets the sky, there is a slightest change in physical depth of Paint, and as I work down - people, fence, horse and riders, all slightly higher than the previous layer ... should be interested. I am still hampered by back pain ... it has actually kept me away from the canvas in past few days ... but that just means I have to work smarter ... and keep the fire kindled.
60 days! (ok just over ... this is a bit late - technical problems)
On June 11th, I started HRT, making it just over 2 months now ...
Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening. about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side. Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs? I think so. Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles
For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs. The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.
I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes. I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease). Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.
For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.
A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon. I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts. I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."
Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy. I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...
Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's. I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition. And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.
I am, also starting a phase that I feared. many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now. The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT. I don't see anything happening yet. I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes. my neck is still huge, facially still same. I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early). This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.
Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development. I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head. I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles
There is soooo much more to explore ... experience. I am VERY early still. just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...
(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).
Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening. about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side. Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs? I think so. Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles
For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs. The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.
I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes. I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease). Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.
For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.
A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon. I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts. I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."
Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy. I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...
Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's. I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition. And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.
I am, also starting a phase that I feared. many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now. The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT. I don't see anything happening yet. I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes. my neck is still huge, facially still same. I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early). This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.
Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development. I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head. I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles
There is soooo much more to explore ... experience. I am VERY early still. just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...
(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
CAMH on Friday ...
CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)
As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly. I really don't know what to expect. I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...
scare???
Definitely!
This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning. My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.
Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus. I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants. I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.
Fingers crossed ... wish me luck? I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days. I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
A point of no return ...
Where I live the Ontario Office of the Registrar General, the government ministry/agency that deals with official records including birth, death, identification marriage, identity and any changes there of. Therefore, as of 28 March 2013, I am officially petitioning the Registrar General to change my name from Sean to Jacquelyn Sonya. It might sound silly, but my hands were shaking during the affirmation (being Pagan, I preferred not to swear on the Bible) and during the mailing of the package (all 20 pages).
Since part of the process involves notification and since I was married (been separated since '98), I have to notify my ex - who I don't think had any clue ... so I decided to pre-emptedly come out to her, before she receives the letter.
"<<Ex's Name>>,
Years ago I went through a severe depression (right around the time of the custody hearings) and I started exploring who I really am. I went through meditation, soul searching and much more. It literally took years.
I reached out for help, did research, more soul searching and much more.
This is hard to talk about, especially since it doesn't directly effect you - not to be rude. But it effects me and it does effect my relationship with <<daughter's name>>. I am asking that you not tell <<daughter's name>>, it is important to me that I AM THE ONE ... plus it is etiquette not to "out" someone.
I know you were not open-minded to various types of people.
At first I was wondering if I was "gay", but this wasn't right. I started "cross dressing" occasionally, but again not quite right.
On May 24th I am getting my "official" diagnosis as Gender Dysphoria. It is also known as Gender Identity Disorder. Essentially one is born into the body of the wrong sex - my mental gender does not match my physical body. I am working on changing my physical being to reflect my mental image.
I am sending you acknowledgement of my application for name change. (parts removed for privacy)
Sean ********"I haven't had any reply, but I can just imagine the language of the reply ... *giggles It's a good thing that she just gets a notification and that she doesn't have to approve it. We have spoken since ~2001, and only recently since she is having some problems that effected our daughter.
Any ways, back to the paperwork ... I can't wait till I get the "official" reply, and I just hope I don't get a delay, as I would LOVE to bring this document with my CAMH meeting. I am taking of the breaks and starting to move into high gear ...
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