60 days! (ok just over ... this is a bit late - technical problems)

On June 11th, I started HRT,  making it just over 2 months now ...

Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening.  about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side.  Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs?  I think so.  Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles

For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs.  The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.

I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes.  I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease).  Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.

For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.

A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon.  I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts.  I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."

Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy.  I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...

Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's.  I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition.  And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.

I am, also starting a phase that I feared.  many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now.  The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT.  I don't see anything happening yet.  I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes.  my neck is still huge, facially still same.  I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early).  This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.

Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development.  I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head.  I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles

There is soooo much more to explore ... experience.  I am VERY early still.  just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...

(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).

CAMH on Friday ...

CAMH (Canada's Gender Identity Clinic)

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have two appointments with CAMH on Friday ... less than 48 hours ... I am feeling kinda - numb, honestly.  I really don't know what to expect.  I tried to get all my stuffs in order, but of course there is stuffs (like name change) that is still pending (checked my credit card and there hasn't been any  payments for it yet), so I guess I go in and say this is who I am ...

scare???

Definitely!

This is my initial visit, and first time talking to medical persons - other than family doctor - about transitioning.  My doctor hasn't been overly helpful - so I am basically doing steps as I come to them, most probably wayyy out of order.

      

Boarding passes - taking train because back is too bad for bus.  I registered as "Sonya", so I hope I don't get much flack from attendants.  I never had to "register" to purchase tickets last time I did a train ride, but hey - that was '89.

Fingers crossed ... wish me luck?  I will grab pics and updates while there, so I hope I have lots to update everyone on in next few days.  I still have to figure out wardrobe and try not to look like a clown with make up.

I hate mirrors ....

dys·pho·ri·a

noun Pathology .
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 
1835–45;  < Neo-Latin  < Greek dysphoría  malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys-dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia

[dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] 

"State of dissatisfaction"??
When I look in a mirror, I see a stranger, a familar one - but one that haunts me.

A friend's (ftm) vlog said something to the extent of:

...When I look in the mirror I saw a masculine version of myself.  My brain picked apart bits and pieces of what it could relate to and then filled or fabricated everything else to create an image of what my internal perception of myself was. ... 

When he saw himself then, he could see who he was really, and looking back he was shocked at how "feminine" he really looked compared to X months on T.

Unfortunately I am the opposite.  I look in the mirror and see EVERY flaw.  From 1990 (when I went to university) to now, I only have a small handful of pics or photos.  Some lost, most destroyed because of what I kept seeing.  Even now, trying to document my "changes", I have to resist the urge to just hit delete, rather than resize & save.

Watch out - boring, self defeating text follows ....

No matter how much I shave, I can still see facial hair - the same hair I used to hide behind when I was proving that I was who I tried to be.

Don't worry, I am not going to go into all my flaws - I would literally be here alll night.

Even mentally ... there is a battle going on.  I am going to touch on that in another post.

I know "It does get better" ... I see it when I see the ones  before me who have changed their life,but WILL I see it? How long will it take before I am comfortable in looking in the mirror?  How long til "smiles" for photos are real?

Just thinking out loud I guess ... I am hoping putting my thoughts on paper, instead of having them fester inside of me will be a form of self healing ...

It's 5am and I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep - my cpap machine's alarms went off, telling me I died again and to wake up and do something about it - so I am not sure if I am going go lay back down or to start working on another post ... perhaps just start it .... *yawn.

I am having a triple A day

I know that people usually post a "Hi, I am ..." post first, but this just happened and I don't want to forget the mood ...

I was at the local Y having a decent workout (short today 30 min on cycle and proposed 30 min on treadmill) and I was trying to work on a work-out/fitness app on my tablet when a reminder pop-up occurred:

[Saturday] "2pm TFam @ party room"

TFam is the local trans & ally support group that I was just notified of a few weeks ago (3March).  Since they are bi-monthly, I haven't been to a group yet.

I stopped ... cold

Returned to my walking, I started to think during my cool down.  Thinking can be scary, especially if your mind is a dark place ...

Approval - We all need social approval but the more limited your circle the more the possibility a chance of more global acceptance  - O.K., global is a bit much, well if just a few persons - it seems to effect (warm?) certain parts of self.  (o.k., enough with warm and fuzzy LOL).

Apprehension -  In the simplest terms, Crash 'n Burn.  The fears of being called out, being read (and it devastate you), abandonment, pain and soo much more.  Every time I put on make-up, wear a bra, become who I am, feel the way I want to feel - every time I put myself out there .... I feel like I am not good enough. 

Anxiety - I guess it goes hand-in-hand with apprehension.  Years ago, I had been diagnosed with situational depression (essentially my situation is causing my depression).  Transitioning helps remove part of my situation, I no longer have to lie to myself ... BUT when I look in the mirror I .... I really don't know how to explain it.  Chin hairs are glaring at me - without going through the list, trust me I really don't feel like I could pass to anyone ...

and not passing makes me apprehensive about meeting people ... and even if I do meet people (allies and brothers and sisters), will I be socially accepted/approved?

It is a vicious circle ... and it is very emotionally draining.

Now I am in another such loop about writing and publishing this ... *rolls eyes.

Any ways, I will be going tomorrow.  I will meet new friends and allies.  I will look my best (at least for now *giggle), and I know I have the strength of my current friends backing me.  For this I am very thankful.

I am going to take a deep breath, hit publish, take a hot bath and relax for a bit.  Also, after I get the realisation that I actually published my first blog post and my world didn't collapse - I might work on all the others that I have been writing snippets of and hid away.