5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

Defending myself ...

I hate doing this, but it sounds like I have to defend myself from within the community ....

I am legally disabled.  I walk with a cane - or if really bad a walker.  My pain is controoled by morphine ... controlled is a bad word for it ... kept in check is more accurate has I live daily with a lot of pain. 

A fellow local transwoman saw me celebrating during the local Pride festivities - proudly marching in the parade (my first marching) and enjoying the after party at a local night club (first time out dancing in about 10 years).  I was celebrating the most emotional 2 weeks of my life .... official GID diagnosis from regional clinic and starting HRT from another clinic.   After years of denials, doubt and hatred, I had a door blow wide open ... I had a reason to party!

Prior to this, I have been putting my body through hell - everything to regain control of my life.  That meant  (among a LOT of things) getting in somewhat shape, loosing weight and loosing the walker (it was actually causing more damage).  It also meant being hyper aware of body mechanics ... any wrong motion would set me back ... (emotionally perhaps for good, physically, I don't want to know).  No matter what , I was going to make sure I push forward - no real setbacks.  ;)

Ok back to story ... oklooong before this story - I used to "be someone".  I worked witn Microsoft, Intel, for IBM,  Packard Bell and others.  For the longest while, I was on headhunters' list.  This helped me move all over U.S. and choose mh jobs.  When I started with IBM,  I was reaching o2jt for help transitioning, unfortunately, the social climate did not make this possible.  I was making decent money, had savings, but startinf could put me in a bad situation,  contract-wise. 

I know I should have fought for it then (2000-2003).

My goal was to transition, after leaving.  Find a way I can do it without being controlled by policies or worse - politics.

After my contract was up, I started my own company - long story real short: doing well, new location, doing better, hired independent contractors (my space, the work and bill through me), expanded from store to cafe, doing good (dumping allmonies back into company), absorbed another smaller company, ..... could not get out of chair -back damaged, diagnosis at clinic 7 hours away, at clinic for 5 days, went back to store.... empty (stock computers and bank account).  This was 2003

Ok longer than I thought, sorry.

Ok back problems - I could have held on to company,  just nothing physical.   Back problems worsened.  The injury h2aopened 1 year after leaving IBM, the store was barely 9 months old.  Unemployment ran out, no possibility in near future.  Not able to hold onto job because of pain and missed work, I was "awarded" a disability allowance (about 1000 $ monthly). 

Add depression because of situation, and a lot more stuff just adding to stresses.  Fast forward a bit, meds are way too high, I am basically a zombie, eating, watching tv and sleeping.  Anything to distract from pain.  Realized that the situation was going to kill me (above), I stared making changes - big ones.

Still in a lot of pain and with poor concentration (opiate fog), I still can't work, but am looking a volunteering a few hours a week.

Back to her issue.  She has worked hard her life, and is transitioning on her own.  In Canada,  or at least Ontario, SRS is covered after satisfying the "gate keepers".  I have to rely on whatever I can save and travel allowances to get to clinics (3 & 5 hours by train) of course, I use best ratws, any discounts, etc.  They have offered to cover hotel and such, but I am tryint work appointments with no overly long layovers.  Plus my HRT is covered (along with all other meds) because of "low income".  It is  horrible stigma,  and something I am far from used to, but making do.

Years ago, I would not have imagined being in this situation, but now that I am, I realize how easy any of us could be.

I have put my transitioning (actually my doctors have) this far off.  I know I can't wait any longers, and this is only way I can currently deal with it.

I know I can't afford ffs or have choice of plastic surgeons, but don't deny me my chance to be me.