Boob Fairy ... *giggles

As mentioned in my 60 Days message ... the "breast fairy" seems to be visiting occasionally *blush

I have been noticing that strange "itching" feeling, which I am guessing is the skin stretching and a small, firming mass.  I have been noticing this "something" happening over a week ago, but thought it might be "in my mind", but this is becoming more and more evident - that instead of being mental/hoping/expectations  (actually it is happening foot or so further south, more in the breast area *giggles) ... I guess the ride is starting and the progesterone is kicking in (been on P for 7 wks? - started 28th June/13).

I actually find wearing a bra comfortable during ... where before getting by with a t-shirt or blouse would be fine.   All positive changes  :)

I know if this is happening now, my next month update ... OMG my 3 months on E & blockers and 2 on Prog. ...should be an interesting one  =)

I hate mirrors ....

dys·pho·ri·a

noun Pathology .
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 
1835–45;  < Neo-Latin  < Greek dysphoría  malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys-dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia

[dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] 

"State of dissatisfaction"??
When I look in a mirror, I see a stranger, a familar one - but one that haunts me.

A friend's (ftm) vlog said something to the extent of:

...When I look in the mirror I saw a masculine version of myself.  My brain picked apart bits and pieces of what it could relate to and then filled or fabricated everything else to create an image of what my internal perception of myself was. ... 

When he saw himself then, he could see who he was really, and looking back he was shocked at how "feminine" he really looked compared to X months on T.

Unfortunately I am the opposite.  I look in the mirror and see EVERY flaw.  From 1990 (when I went to university) to now, I only have a small handful of pics or photos.  Some lost, most destroyed because of what I kept seeing.  Even now, trying to document my "changes", I have to resist the urge to just hit delete, rather than resize & save.

Watch out - boring, self defeating text follows ....

No matter how much I shave, I can still see facial hair - the same hair I used to hide behind when I was proving that I was who I tried to be.

Don't worry, I am not going to go into all my flaws - I would literally be here alll night.

Even mentally ... there is a battle going on.  I am going to touch on that in another post.

I know "It does get better" ... I see it when I see the ones  before me who have changed their life,but WILL I see it? How long will it take before I am comfortable in looking in the mirror?  How long til "smiles" for photos are real?

Just thinking out loud I guess ... I am hoping putting my thoughts on paper, instead of having them fester inside of me will be a form of self healing ...

It's 5am and I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep - my cpap machine's alarms went off, telling me I died again and to wake up and do something about it - so I am not sure if I am going go lay back down or to start working on another post ... perhaps just start it .... *yawn.

YES!!! I got my CAMH Letter!

I finally got my CAMH letter for GID evaluation.  I go to Toronto in late May for 2 evaluations.  It seems that (if the document is 100% right) I have an 11pm meeting(?) - since it is a gov't clinic, that is probably 11am.

Under "new rules", as far as I gather, CAMH deals with surgical evaluations.   I found out that there is another venue to start HRT.  I request a referral to a London, Ontario fertility clinic (this is a route where many trans people in London and surrounding area are fast tracked to).  The wait list is ~30 days, which is very small, considering I have been waiting 13 months for this letter, which won't open the doors I hope it would have, but will be a foot in the door for what I need later on.

I will update the next steps ... and I will finally start to take pictures.  I definitely want to document what happens.

So I guess I will share my good news ...