5 basic questions

Someone posted 5 basic questions in a Transgender Support group on Facebook ... these are the questions and here are my thoughts.

- Who are you?

- What made you decide to transition?

- When did you find out you wanted to live this way?

- Where are you at in your transition?

- Why do you think that is?

- How do you perceive yourself?

Sonya LaRonde ... long time computer tech, recovering

I started trying to transition ~2001, but my employer (IBM) at time was not very open to LGBT issues - at least in my department.  After an injury, it was time to make major life changes ... taking control of what is important to me.  Transitioning being one of those major on-going events.

For years, I looked into options, and often found closed doors.  Even coming out to my family doctor in 2004, it was still another 7 years before he did anything about it - I started forcing the issue.  I have a serious of injuries that might require surgery, and if "anything" happened, I did not want to be remembered has someone/something I was not.  Because of a strict religious upbringing, it was not permitted to conceive that I might be transsexual ... just thinking anything with the word "sex" in it was pretty much a sin.  This cult would fit in very nicely in the extreme right wing today and screwed me up for the rest of my life - including today  *sigh

5 months HRT, 7 months "full time" (disabilities and related financial issues effect this, unfortunately), legal name change, legal "gender marker" submitted (pending/waiting), just had 6 month "review" (next review might be consultation for SRS).

"Why do you think that is?" - why am I who I am?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  I have done ANYTHING to lose myself, to try and hide from my inner self ... this is the first time I have actually been honest with myself

hmmm first off part of me is "stuck" in the 80's *giggles .... who am I?  MTF Transsexual, artist, pansexual, sexual deviant (BDSM, leather, ... ok this might be a PG-13 post if I keep on this trend), Wiccan/Pagan, Activist, confused, frustrated (especially at decades of self hate and non-action), passionate about music, theatre lover ... I am finally learning how to be me

Changes in Personality ....?

Does HRT change your personality?  Can our blockers and core hormones change who we are as a being?

I see videos telling us that we will be the same person.  Hormones can not make us a different person!

Or can they?

Of course transmen or genderfluid using male hormones will get (as far as I know), bursts of assertiveness, that "little something" that was similar to steroids in those young teen boys which "way too much testosterone".  In transwomen, you take that away or reduce it and we go from "raging bull" to beatnick ... ok I jest, but we loose some of our agressive nature.

Could anything else be happening?

This is not a side effect of HRT, but an advantage of taking that leap.  This leap does not have to be staring 'mones, it could be pressing your previous limitations (I am thing of our CD girls, ones that many not be interested in transitioning fully - but do bloom when possible).  I had to start making major changes, many of were or are like that.

But needing was not enough, you had to seek out help, psychologists, endocrinologists, and many others.  There was step between those, although not consciously ...

We had to give ourselves permission.   This ultimate act of self love. 

<trigger alert>

In my case, I gave myself one year.  Not one year to transition,  that is not truly possible, especially when you are ancient like me.

No one year to show real changes from where I was.  I hot a real low spot, and stopped fighting.  Actually I started fighting ... fighting to give Sonya a chance to live.

But this one event, this act of kindness to someone trying to be born ... giving her permission started a chain event.

She took this permission and started making "his" live, hers ... mine.

She cleaned house ...

- no more wearing black AMD t-shirts all the time
- change your diet (you slob), this is my body now
- get a NEW music collection ... living on 80s rock and some 90s metal not acceptable
- get off the chair, watching television
- exercise, socialize, get involved
- get a decent pair of jeans and show off this ass
-above all, wear a f*cking helmet, things are going to get interesting!

My gf is noticing changes.  She is kinda weirded out at the unique sounds coming out of my speakers (actually, even the cats are freaking out *giggles).  My room is a mess, bras air-drying, the clothes a a small rainbow of colous (and growing when I can).

I have been vegan since late May (ok 98% vegan, I was naughty and made a large pasta & tuna salad during our heatwave -did not want to cook in that).  Even my first tounge is coming back (French was my main language til grade 5) after decades of non-usage.

Above all .....

I am finally realizing how to feel happy!

I can see a bright future ahead ... and am more than ready.

It's amazing what giving and recieving permission can do ... 

Oh, my one year was October 14, 2012 (my 42nd birthday) ... I think I already have exceeded any hope, dream or expectation ....and you know what hunties ... I ain't done yet!

Defending myself ...

I hate doing this, but it sounds like I have to defend myself from within the community ....

I am legally disabled.  I walk with a cane - or if really bad a walker.  My pain is controoled by morphine ... controlled is a bad word for it ... kept in check is more accurate has I live daily with a lot of pain. 

A fellow local transwoman saw me celebrating during the local Pride festivities - proudly marching in the parade (my first marching) and enjoying the after party at a local night club (first time out dancing in about 10 years).  I was celebrating the most emotional 2 weeks of my life .... official GID diagnosis from regional clinic and starting HRT from another clinic.   After years of denials, doubt and hatred, I had a door blow wide open ... I had a reason to party!

Prior to this, I have been putting my body through hell - everything to regain control of my life.  That meant  (among a LOT of things) getting in somewhat shape, loosing weight and loosing the walker (it was actually causing more damage).  It also meant being hyper aware of body mechanics ... any wrong motion would set me back ... (emotionally perhaps for good, physically, I don't want to know).  No matter what , I was going to make sure I push forward - no real setbacks.  ;)

Ok back to story ... oklooong before this story - I used to "be someone".  I worked witn Microsoft, Intel, for IBM,  Packard Bell and others.  For the longest while, I was on headhunters' list.  This helped me move all over U.S. and choose mh jobs.  When I started with IBM,  I was reaching o2jt for help transitioning, unfortunately, the social climate did not make this possible.  I was making decent money, had savings, but startinf could put me in a bad situation,  contract-wise. 

I know I should have fought for it then (2000-2003).

My goal was to transition, after leaving.  Find a way I can do it without being controlled by policies or worse - politics.

After my contract was up, I started my own company - long story real short: doing well, new location, doing better, hired independent contractors (my space, the work and bill through me), expanded from store to cafe, doing good (dumping allmonies back into company), absorbed another smaller company, ..... could not get out of chair -back damaged, diagnosis at clinic 7 hours away, at clinic for 5 days, went back to store.... empty (stock computers and bank account).  This was 2003

Ok longer than I thought, sorry.

Ok back problems - I could have held on to company,  just nothing physical.   Back problems worsened.  The injury h2aopened 1 year after leaving IBM, the store was barely 9 months old.  Unemployment ran out, no possibility in near future.  Not able to hold onto job because of pain and missed work, I was "awarded" a disability allowance (about 1000 $ monthly). 

Add depression because of situation, and a lot more stuff just adding to stresses.  Fast forward a bit, meds are way too high, I am basically a zombie, eating, watching tv and sleeping.  Anything to distract from pain.  Realized that the situation was going to kill me (above), I stared making changes - big ones.

Still in a lot of pain and with poor concentration (opiate fog), I still can't work, but am looking a volunteering a few hours a week.

Back to her issue.  She has worked hard her life, and is transitioning on her own.  In Canada,  or at least Ontario, SRS is covered after satisfying the "gate keepers".  I have to rely on whatever I can save and travel allowances to get to clinics (3 & 5 hours by train) of course, I use best ratws, any discounts, etc.  They have offered to cover hotel and such, but I am tryint work appointments with no overly long layovers.  Plus my HRT is covered (along with all other meds) because of "low income".  It is  horrible stigma,  and something I am far from used to, but making do.

Years ago, I would not have imagined being in this situation, but now that I am, I realize how easy any of us could be.

I have put my transitioning (actually my doctors have) this far off.  I know I can't wait any longers, and this is only way I can currently deal with it.

I know I can't afford ffs or have choice of plastic surgeons, but don't deny me my chance to be me.

Changes, changes, changes ... [what the **bleep** did none of my posts get published? this is from 11 June, 2013]

BIGGEST CHANGE ...

I am on HRT!!

I started my first dose on Tuesday the 11th (June).  I went to SOFT (Southern Ontario Fertility Clinic) in London, ON.  Accompanied by Michelle Boyce from Alphabet Community Centre (London's Trans support group, acclondon.com).

The appointment was NOT stressful, very accepting and extremely supportive!  Michelle is a fierce advocate and an incredible friend.

ok ... back to what happened ...

LOL ... ok, back to ACC first ...

Our health care teams have developed new hormone products and techniques that aid in faster more complete medical hormonal transition. Only developed in London these techniques have been in place since 2007 providing medical transition in 8-15months on average instead of the 3 years on former methods of hormone replacement. Fundamental to the HRT process here is the nasal spray which virtually stops the body from producing any natural hormones. This is used in both the M-F and F-M spectrums of transition. At this point the body is a clean hormonal slate where traditional Testosterone or Estrogen/Progesterone can be introduced without competing hormones.

-- http://acclondon.com/transhealth.php

So essentially I am on HRT ... accelerated?  time will tell ...

So I am on Estrace - no big surprise, and will be on Prometrium in a few weeks (no effective during first dozen or more doses of blocker anyways).  The controversial part is SupreFact (Buserlin Acetate), a nasal spray that is the blocker.  What does it block?  Everything!  Estrogen, Testesterone, the hormones

Supporting Letter coming ...

Wooo Hooo ... my "supporting letter" is coming through today (actually it came through, but some info was wrong) ... next stop (once hard copy arrives) is to change via Birth Certificate office!

I am literally ... shaking .... 

now just waiting for hard copy to arrive :)

Boob Fairy ... *giggles

As mentioned in my 60 Days message ... the "breast fairy" seems to be visiting occasionally *blush

I have been noticing that strange "itching" feeling, which I am guessing is the skin stretching and a small, firming mass.  I have been noticing this "something" happening over a week ago, but thought it might be "in my mind", but this is becoming more and more evident - that instead of being mental/hoping/expectations  (actually it is happening foot or so further south, more in the breast area *giggles) ... I guess the ride is starting and the progesterone is kicking in (been on P for 7 wks? - started 28th June/13).

I actually find wearing a bra comfortable during ... where before getting by with a t-shirt or blouse would be fine.   All positive changes  :)

I know if this is happening now, my next month update ... OMG my 3 months on E & blockers and 2 on Prog. ...should be an interesting one  =)

60 days! (ok just over ... this is a bit late - technical problems)

On June 11th, I started HRT,  making it just over 2 months now ...

Changes? Not as many as I would have thought yet, but still, something IS happening.  about 2 ... (well 3 now) weeks ago I felt a smallish, but firm, mass under my nipples, more prominent on my left side.  Since then, it has been increasingly tender and VERY itchy ... good signs?  I think so.  Since this is my first-time experiencing this, I am VERY clueless ... *giggles

For a while, I have been taking daily (near daily) "selfies" so I can show a transition, along with weekly/biweekly body shots - me standing, in just a pair of briefs.  The images are taken from differing poses and stances, so I should be able to remove background (whitish wall) and overlay them, one on another so, again, I can track any and all changes probably for a 6 and 12 month slide-show project.

I wish there was some way to quantify any emotional changes.  I do suffer from depression related to my disability (degenerative disk disease).  Between this and what I describe as a "narcotic fog" (or opiate fog or anything along those lines), my cognitive abilities are being handicapped compared to what they once were (far from top of my game) - adding to my frustration.

For the longest time, my emotional wiring has been off-line ... probably as a coping mechanism to deal with various situations - domestic abuse, professional detachment, disability and perhaps the most dangerous -- self abuse and hatred, disparagement and similar -relating directly to my dysphoria and fighting the increasingly overwhelming truths of my being transsexualism.

A few times, I basically tried to be "all the man I could be" or something stupid like that ... it meant sleeping around, sometimes sleeping with 2 different women at different times during a day ... heavily using alcohol and partying all weekend, playing various roles depending on the partner I was with - a true chameleon.  I know I hurt people, but I also hurt myself ... those days are long past, but (more recently now) have been coming back to haunt me, in my thoughts.  I realize why (now) ... seeing glimpses of my real self and trying to prove to myself and others that it isn't me ... I am not one of "those people."

Fast forwarding to recently , something has woken up ... a feeling that I haven't enjoyed since my teens ... raw creativeness energy.  I am seeing pictures, objects and more and am parting them out, exploring their lines, colours and shades .... as part of this journey, I have to start where I left off ... a very difficulty piece, except I am going about it with new eyes, a new style and it will be the first signpost of a new life ...

Also I have seen changes in other was ... I was reading an "open letter" from a supportive mother of her child's transition .... and I guess I realized that that is on of many things I would never experienced ... my birth mother died just over 2 yrs ago, and I have been dismissed by my adopted family since late 80's.  I don't even know where they live ... Canada or US or elsewhere ... and I know .... their religious and personal beliefs would never accept my lifestyle, choices or transition.  And I would rather not add that baggage ... I just didn't realize how much it WAS haunting me -- until I read that letter.

I am, also starting a phase that I feared.  many have explained it (also the reason for slowing down of progress selfies) - apparent lack of changes.... right now.  The face that I apply makeup on IS the same face before I started HRT.  I don't see anything happening yet.  I know that my cocktail is supposed to be accelerated compared to my Spiro sisters, but I too seem to be stalled ... I KNOW there is /some/ breast growth (I actually have a write up about boobs coming up), but I don't see other changes.  my neck is still huge, facially still same.  I have lost a lot of weight, but seeing images of me near naked, I don't see it (or distribution changes - even though I KNOW it is still very early).  This why I am thankful for others who have been documenting their progress, and why I HAVE to also.

Because /part/ of me knows this is normal ... I know that other sisters have felt this disillusionment around this time - so much so that a few have stopped their progress ... but I also know that this is temporary, and like a butterfly still in cocoon, there are times with no visible outward changes ... followed by times of unparalleled development.  I have seen before and after slide-shows and have the general idea in my head.  I "won't give it 30 more days" and if nothing happens, I am going back ... I known what thee future will be, and I will stay on course, develop myself internally, mentally and has much outwardly (electrolysis?) while I wait for stuffs to kick into high gear *giggles

There is soooo much more to explore ... experience.  I am VERY early still.  just one of the dips that lets this roller-coaster climb and soar ...

(please note ... I am "catching up" ... many of these were written weeks ago, just being updated and posted ... I NEED to say this ... and read it later).

Leaky ...

I just finished reading a post on Brooke Addison's Transbliss.com   and I just had to write the woman involved ...

In the past few years I have been hardened ... ok perhaps more than a few years ... I rarely cry, rarely show emotion ... perhaps too many years of lying to myself and others, I had to close off parts of myself ...

During the reading I had to send "Mary" a thank you letter (below) and I just noticed that I am fighting back tears as I am typing.  Trust me ... this is NOT something I am used to, infact I put my self in emotional locations in my past to get a reaction .... and nothing.

I guess the HRT is working ... (grabbing another tissue) ... I haven't been posting or vlogging recently, mainly because I am getting more and more frustrated ... but recently I KNOW something has been changing ... I have started painting again, and will post updates on that page ... but I guess this is one of the true proofs that something is happening ... that Sonya is becoming alive ... and she is taking control.

I just read your "Grieving a child who is still alive" on Transbliss.com (Brooke Addison's site) and needed to thank you.  Not only for your acceptance of Chris, but also how you are trying to help others.  

I am a transitioning late in life (42), I lost my birth mother over 2 years (she never had a chance to meet Sonya) and I haven't seen or heard from my adopted parents since I was 18 ... and I know they would not want too ...

For all of us out there without parents as strong and loving as you ... thank you soo much.

~Sonya

 I will be working more on this ... trust me, I have a few posts dying to get out ...

Hormones & CAMH

Help?
Some background on my situation.  In Ontario, Canada, CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) used to deal with anything trans, but recently they have decentralized, giving family doctors control of their patients' health, and they will deal with approving surgeries and such.

My family doctor is very hesitant, dragging his heals on anything relating to trans (I am currently looking for a new Dr, but few are taking new patients in my province (Canada)), so he won't do anything until CAMH gives diagnosis and gives him guidelines for hrt and such (I even went in all excited about starting laser hair removal and he said "are you sure" - all serious and dis approving).

I am 42, and I am very sure (I originally came out over 6 years ago, but other problems (damaged back (still dealing with) came up that delayed possible CAMH at that time).  OK back to the point, I am with in weeks of my CAMH call (I sent my evaluation package in ~Jan of last year, wait is 12-14 months).  A dear friend of my knows my situation (and frustration) and (due to a pharmacy mix up) could "hooke me up" with a few months worth of low/entry dosage Estrace.

I have read risks, pluses and negatives and everything for over a year, and every day without a phone call is very frustrating.  Even after I get the appointments and such, there is the further delays of evaluation and paperwork (I don't think I would walk out of the mental heath's clinic with a 'script).

Sorry I really didn't mean to ramble on, but I would sincerely appreciate any and all thoughts (except of course for the ones of "your sooo evil for even considering" - I have been giving myself that speech for the last day or so *sigh)

Do you think I am going to "screw" my self up with CAMH if I started self-medicating?  Should I just wait? ... thinking and reaching out for ideas  ;S