Defending myself ...

I hate doing this, but it sounds like I have to defend myself from within the community ....

I am legally disabled.  I walk with a cane - or if really bad a walker.  My pain is controoled by morphine ... controlled is a bad word for it ... kept in check is more accurate has I live daily with a lot of pain. 

A fellow local transwoman saw me celebrating during the local Pride festivities - proudly marching in the parade (my first marching) and enjoying the after party at a local night club (first time out dancing in about 10 years).  I was celebrating the most emotional 2 weeks of my life .... official GID diagnosis from regional clinic and starting HRT from another clinic.   After years of denials, doubt and hatred, I had a door blow wide open ... I had a reason to party!

Prior to this, I have been putting my body through hell - everything to regain control of my life.  That meant  (among a LOT of things) getting in somewhat shape, loosing weight and loosing the walker (it was actually causing more damage).  It also meant being hyper aware of body mechanics ... any wrong motion would set me back ... (emotionally perhaps for good, physically, I don't want to know).  No matter what , I was going to make sure I push forward - no real setbacks.  ;)

Ok back to story ... oklooong before this story - I used to "be someone".  I worked witn Microsoft, Intel, for IBM,  Packard Bell and others.  For the longest while, I was on headhunters' list.  This helped me move all over U.S. and choose mh jobs.  When I started with IBM,  I was reaching o2jt for help transitioning, unfortunately, the social climate did not make this possible.  I was making decent money, had savings, but startinf could put me in a bad situation,  contract-wise. 

I know I should have fought for it then (2000-2003).

My goal was to transition, after leaving.  Find a way I can do it without being controlled by policies or worse - politics.

After my contract was up, I started my own company - long story real short: doing well, new location, doing better, hired independent contractors (my space, the work and bill through me), expanded from store to cafe, doing good (dumping allmonies back into company), absorbed another smaller company, ..... could not get out of chair -back damaged, diagnosis at clinic 7 hours away, at clinic for 5 days, went back to store.... empty (stock computers and bank account).  This was 2003

Ok longer than I thought, sorry.

Ok back problems - I could have held on to company,  just nothing physical.   Back problems worsened.  The injury h2aopened 1 year after leaving IBM, the store was barely 9 months old.  Unemployment ran out, no possibility in near future.  Not able to hold onto job because of pain and missed work, I was "awarded" a disability allowance (about 1000 $ monthly). 

Add depression because of situation, and a lot more stuff just adding to stresses.  Fast forward a bit, meds are way too high, I am basically a zombie, eating, watching tv and sleeping.  Anything to distract from pain.  Realized that the situation was going to kill me (above), I stared making changes - big ones.

Still in a lot of pain and with poor concentration (opiate fog), I still can't work, but am looking a volunteering a few hours a week.

Back to her issue.  She has worked hard her life, and is transitioning on her own.  In Canada,  or at least Ontario, SRS is covered after satisfying the "gate keepers".  I have to rely on whatever I can save and travel allowances to get to clinics (3 & 5 hours by train) of course, I use best ratws, any discounts, etc.  They have offered to cover hotel and such, but I am tryint work appointments with no overly long layovers.  Plus my HRT is covered (along with all other meds) because of "low income".  It is  horrible stigma,  and something I am far from used to, but making do.

Years ago, I would not have imagined being in this situation, but now that I am, I realize how easy any of us could be.

I have put my transitioning (actually my doctors have) this far off.  I know I can't wait any longers, and this is only way I can currently deal with it.

I know I can't afford ffs or have choice of plastic surgeons, but don't deny me my chance to be me.

Top of the world!

Just got hard copy of endocrinologist letter so I can change my pesky m to a full fledged F!

I knew fhis was on route quite a few days ago, but to have it in my hands is a different situation. Affirmation,  confidence,  general peacefulness, satisfaction and hope - all contained in one letter.  One small envelope holds much more than just it's typed words.  I am being recognized for who I felt ... I knew I was.

No matter how many times I denied it in past, no more.  I am in doctor's office for an adjustment and grinning from ear to ear.

Today started out mediocre after a poor night's sleep, but seems to hold sooo much potential all the sudden ....

Heading to Family doctor

Loootttssss to update him on .... soo much has changed.

Started HRT, official name change, asking him to sign off on my "change of gender" paperwork. I lost a smaal person in weight (getting official weigh-in) and have small (perky?) breasts .... (perky at 42 yrs old is pretty good :) ).

Also talking aboug "big D", "Deep Russian", ... what ever cutesy name hou want to tag on it .... DEPRESSION.  Chronic disability, loss of work, loss of "identity" (not name change or transitioning, but rather lack of being productive ... relying on help to get by month to month).  How the vain have fallen.

I worked /only/ for top IT companies,.  If you were a headhunter in Toronto or Denver (and a few other courting places), you knew my name and wanted me on your teams.  Sure my head was swollen, but I had amazing numbers to back it up (success rates,  closed rates,        hen used my money to start my own company ... my retirement/transitioning nest egg.   Back blew, lost everything..... and was devastated.  You might hear it in my voice, I never fully recovered from that blow.  10 years passed and I am finally starting.

Updated name (wooo hooo), even got him to sign off on documentation for gender marker change!

Pretty successful,  but I am seeing he is wayyyyy out of his comfort base and with me (his secretary is even more strange about it).  I asked for a blood work request, so I could get a "snapshot" on how things are doing, and he had no clue what to ask for.  Looks like I have to wait til my next endo appointment.

On way there and back, cab driver (I had licence pulled because of morphine) was great - 'ladies', correct pronouns and all ... even if problem with name discrepancy on billing info - "you don't look much like a Sean").

Pretty good day, but it was a draining week - too many appointments too close together.

Quick update ...

Sitting in Neurofeedback at moment and thinking this is a good time to give a quick update since my "catch up" a few days ago .... thanks everyone whole took a peek into my madness.

'Guy-mode' ... *sigh. 

If I knew (realized) that I had to have 4 days growth for an electrolysis session, I would have integrated them into between my iPL treatments (even tho laser place said not to because progress would have been impossible to track.  My electrolysis tech says that she would do 1 hour sessions at a time ... and that I might need 4 to 5 sessions.   Doesn't sound too bad, until you think that it is 5 weekends with a beard that is slowly getting thinner ... but still there.  I have been clean shaven, make-up, frills and proper clothing and even dresses for months now ... so even passing a mirror's reflected image will be frustrating to my progress ...

"Just a means to an end ... just a means to an end ... just a means to an end ..."

I got to keep telling me myself this.  I am not de-transitioning, just another step closer to full goal.  Perhaps find an electrolysis that I could go to later same day?  *giggles with my current morphine levels, pain is not really an issue.

Oh 2 MAJOR developments, lifestyle wise ....

-- weight is down to 184lbs as of yesterday (from a high of 260 less than a year ago ... only about 35 more to go!!)

-- morphine now officially lower.  I was up to 230mg slow release and 25mg breakthrough three times a day (over 690mg a day!).  I just dropped again to 30mg, tree times daily (90mg, no breakthroughs).  Hat in just about a year .... btw withdrawals suck!

Hmm headaches due to my testosterone blockers are under control for the second day.  The pharmacist wasn't overly helpful, because since I am in morphine, I should not feel anything (note - my decline in morphine does not mean I am better or cured ... I am very much in more pain than in a long time ... just bearing with it better than tuning out ... I have goals and a true challenge - to start Sonya with the best life possible during this early transition period).  I am currently taking a tylenol and an ibuprofen and it seems to disrupt the migraine cycle.

Was hoping to restart my YouTube vids ... for some reason vids directly uploaded from tablet just got uploaded ... never truly released or published/advertised.  Not sure if people want to see an older transsexual with a light beard tho ... *lol  I might do today while just very light, rather than on Sunday when I might resemble a relative of "Grizzly Adams".

Well almost done here so going to put this down and act as if I was very much just sitting hear listening to music and paying attention to the moving images on the screen.  NF is about 80% what is auditory and at most 20% is visual ...

talk to you soon .... 

Huge Dieting mistake ...

Confession time ....

I realized yesterday morn I really messed up *sigh ...‪#‎dietingmistakes‬

I reduced my intake because, well hey I KNEW I was eating too much for my sedentary (at the time) life style. Then I started going to gym, walking and such (months ago). I gave up most of my normal foods, and even meat (became vegan). I wasn't really thinking about what was going in ... just what seemed to "felt comfortable." I recently starting feeling more and more tired ... almost fainting, nauseated, achy, that sort of thing ... generally drained. 

Yesterday I worked out my "caloric intake". I went from about 2500 Cal a day to just over 1000. (I started slowly of course, but since Nov 2012 I went from ~260lbs to about 180 today). NOT HEALTHY.

Any ways time to re-evaluate my diet and choices ... I don't want to give up my activity level, actually I want to ramp it ... but that means fuelling the engine much more than current level.

Finding Sonya ... other words, how I came out to myself ...

Originally written: 09/12/2005 7:43 PM (edited 2013)

Letter sent to "syndicated sex columnist" Sasha Van BonBon from Toronto EyeWeekly/The Grid's "Love Bites"
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Suite transvestite (Love Bites, EYE.net, February 26, 2003)

 I am a 33-year-old male who has had a string of unsatisfying relationships. I have always been very feminine, to the point that good friends and family think I am gay. Even though I am not offended by their suggestion, sex with another male does not appeal to me. Recently I have been doing some deep thinking, and perhaps the problem is me and my dissatisfaction with myself. Is this at all common -- a middle-age crisis involving one's sex? What are my options? Transvestite (I have tried this before, and found I enjoy it [but not completely]), transgender? Who might I contact to talk to about this? 

-- GENDER BENDER

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[Please forgive me if this is disjointed or something ... just me rambling about how I found myself ... I'll re-write this laters :)]

After years of wrestling ... mentally, spiritually, emotionally – every possible angle, I have been unhappy with who I am.

I have often used “lesbian in a man’s body” and have been laughed at – even to my face – because “I was just being a perv”.

I have repeatedly tried to open up – to talk to anyone …

I have had female sexual partners who have enjoyed my time.  I have felt close to them – almost close enough to talk about the skeletons of mine – only to have them be repulsed at any situation other than life within their small world.  Many would be “grossed” out of having someone of the same sex touch them intimately.  But here I am – essentially a female screaming for acceptance – looking for a hole to hide in.

Years of feeling dirty … feeling depressed – fed up of lying to myself.  Each town would be different.  In the US I worked for many top companies in the computer industry – Packard Bell/NEC, CompuServe, contracted for Microsoft.  All jobs where I was interviewed with a suit and tie on, and every day for the term of the contract I would wear a suit and tie.  I would not be permitted to step out of the mold that I created for myself and they expected.

Late nineties, I tossed in the towel, and tried to escape.  Moved back to Canada; to Sudbury, ON (a hole that my parents lived when I was an infant and where my birth sister and mother lived).  Sudbury is a place where few people escape from.

I freed myself of an abusive relationship.  I started looking at life options; I opened up to people who were not healthy for me.  It turns out that love wears rose glasses, and you fail to see what others do.  I made bad choices, pushed my comfort levels to the extremes, did not care about the slut I was turning into.  Going out every night was fun, although I drank a bit more (most nights) then I should have.  Others thought I was out of control – but in many ways – it was very much a controlled descent into the gutter.  I thank the gods I did not catch anything.

IBM came up, and again I cleaned up, put on a shirt and tie.  I squeezed back into the previous mold and pretended to smile every day.  Although I could not explore who I was; the nights and days that I was off, I could live my life through others – watching them laugh, have fun – and be natural.  BEING THEMSELVES.  Then I would go back to my sleazy hotel room (Filmore’s) or to my small apartment.

By fitting the mold for others, I tied the noose around my neck every morning.

That lasted shy of three years, and it is 2003.   I returned to Sudbury.  I was going to live my life for me.  Parts of my rather near past (when I lived there earlier) came back – along with a few more poor choices.  I started my own company, only to see it sky-rocket, grow and soar.  I then injured my back and I watched my dreams crash … burn … and quickly die.

Spending time in Toronto – a medical clinic for my back – was the nails in the coffin.  Another phase of my life gone.  I spent a few long nights then, looking around at what I have left and at me.  Looking at the fool I made of myself again.    (the true thing about being self employed is correct – your boss is a real a**hole, and is the most demanding boss you will ever have.)

Hmm spending a year in Deseronto (VERY small town ... no similarity to Toronto), I moved on to Kingston after meeting Stephanie (current partner ... still 9yrs later!) and found one person I could talk to.

Her openness is refreshing.  This is perhaps the first relationship that was not started while drinking, having to lie about something (who I am), having my beliefs questioned and not feeling like I was before an inquisition.  Although some parts of my life is difficult to talk about,

It was here I was introduced to Sonya.

Changes, changes, changes ... [what the **bleep** did none of my posts get published? this is from 11 June, 2013]

BIGGEST CHANGE ...

I am on HRT!!

I started my first dose on Tuesday the 11th (June).  I went to SOFT (Southern Ontario Fertility Clinic) in London, ON.  Accompanied by Michelle Boyce from Alphabet Community Centre (London's Trans support group, acclondon.com).

The appointment was NOT stressful, very accepting and extremely supportive!  Michelle is a fierce advocate and an incredible friend.

ok ... back to what happened ...

LOL ... ok, back to ACC first ...

Our health care teams have developed new hormone products and techniques that aid in faster more complete medical hormonal transition. Only developed in London these techniques have been in place since 2007 providing medical transition in 8-15months on average instead of the 3 years on former methods of hormone replacement. Fundamental to the HRT process here is the nasal spray which virtually stops the body from producing any natural hormones. This is used in both the M-F and F-M spectrums of transition. At this point the body is a clean hormonal slate where traditional Testosterone or Estrogen/Progesterone can be introduced without competing hormones.

-- http://acclondon.com/transhealth.php

So essentially I am on HRT ... accelerated?  time will tell ...

So I am on Estrace - no big surprise, and will be on Prometrium in a few weeks (no effective during first dozen or more doses of blocker anyways).  The controversial part is SupreFact (Buserlin Acetate), a nasal spray that is the blocker.  What does it block?  Everything!  Estrogen, Testesterone, the hormones